inside my head

painful connection

2011-09-16T20:10:00.000-07:00

for the last two years almost, i have had the privilege of volunteering with the ems department in our town. and through this experience i have witnessed the gamut of emotions displayed by family members as they watch often times helplessly their loved ones suffer. this has always struck at my heart. growing up in high school and thinking about what i would do with my life, i remember my mom encouraging me to go into nursing; i had the heart for it she claimed. and isn't it funny, that though it was not the direction i wanted or felt called to, God has incorporated it into my life.

i always heard how strong the love of a parent for their child could be. and i have seen it with my own eyes. but today it hit home in a way i never imagined it would. granted, she has only been with us for a few weeks, but regardless she has become a part of this family, a part of me. today i watched helplessly as the doctors wondered the same thing i did: is she going to make it? is she going to fully recover? the answer was out of reach, and all we had to trust was God. as her body lurched with every breath my mind raced; what if she gets to tired? what if she cant breath on her own anymore? is this going to cause long lasting damage to her body? how long will it take for her to recover?

as the doctors and nurses did their job in the ER, my wife and i watched. after continuous breathing treatment she was admitted and placed in the pediatrics unit. they continued to care for her as she continued to fight for breath. her peds doc pulled us aside and explained that this was not bronchitis, this was the worst kind of asthma attack one could have; and she is starting to get worn out fighting for breath. we would monitor her for some time and may need to transport to a more specialized unit.

there we sat, trying to maintain composure in front of her. thinking we had some time and she could stabilize. her heart rate continued to race, and her breathing labored. soon her doc informed us they were preparing the helicopter to transport her to a specialized unit. then the flight nurse and paramedic showed up. our hearts and minds began to race just as fast as hers. and i began to fully understand the worry and concern i had seen before with parents in the ambulance.

how is this going to end?

they prepped her for the flight, transferring wires and tubes and giving shots to help with nausea. we called our works to inform them we would not be in today. then we raced to the car, knowing that they would beat us to the next hospital. about an hour later we arrived and find our way through the hospital to find our daughter in icu. she is panicky, with more tubes and wires.

the rest of our afternoon was spent with phone calls, holding hands and trying to keep ourselves together. the heart beat continues to race, and she continues with breathing treatments; but she improves. all throughout the experience God has been faithful to provide people who have been caring and an encouragement. we thank the friends and family who have been praying for us through this, and have supported us with this calling God has placed in our hearts to care for these kids

and now she lies in her bed, trying to sleep despite the noises and lights. and i sit here exhausted and in need of rest. and to that, i say good night praying God continues to provide the blessings He has been so generous with today. your thoughts and prayers mean the world to us tonight!

what it is

2011-06-18T06:42:00.001-07:00

i have to be honest, this posting is in part due to feeling obligated to writing something since it has been so long, and the other part is a feeling of need to get some things on "paper". the fact that i cannot even remember the last time i wrote something here without looking says a lot to me, especially since i used to be on here almost daily. what a change.

and i think that is what has been running through my brain. change. the last year of my life has been the most turned-up-side-down year of my life. this time last year i just finished saying good-by to my dad and grandpa, knowing i would never see them this side of life again. in just over a month, it will be the one year anniversary of both of them passing. and while I celebrated the passing of my dad from this life to the next, the stinging reality of him being gone continues to settle in. the number of days i have aught myself picking up my phone to call, just to chat, and then realizing no one would answer are numerous. though, there is no bitterness. i rejoice knowing that this is only temporary. while my earthly father is not with me, i know that one day i will re-join him with my Heavenly Father also.

you know, it is funny how God's plans are often times so different than ours, and always infinitely better. when amanda and i decided to get married, i expressed caring about nothing more than knowing my dad could be present. we discussed dates, and changed our minds a lot. at one point we decided we would like to be a-typical and get married on march 11th, 2011. and over the course of time the date again changed to my parents' original wedding date, august 15th, of 2009. it was not until this past winter though that i finally realized how God orchestrated everything in this situation. had we gotten married in march of this year, my dad would not have been with us. see, God knows the number of our days, but not only with regards to our death. God knows the number of our days with regards to every part of our life. He knows when we will breath next, the number of breaths we take, how many beats our heart will make, and the list goes on. what a blessing God provided in this situation, allowing my dad to be present for one of the most important days of my life!

i think of this when i hear people allude to God not being good, or the idea that God does not know what He is doing. perhaps that is you. and perhaps like me, it is just going to take some time before you can see God's goodness in your life. that old saying "hindsight is 20/20" is often true. i encourage you, should you feel as though you are alone; should you feel as though God has abandoned you, look back. sift through your life and look for those places God has delivered you and blessed you. and remember them. often i have found in the end, that the times i feel most alone and far from God is when He is right next to me. i might not realize it, perhaps because the pain seems so much it clouds everything else out of view. but that does not mean God has left.

i have found it easy to slip into the mindset that as a Christian things will go great in my life. after all, this is often how being a believer is advertised. but the truth is, life becomes much harder. but we do not journey through it alone; we have a Deliverer. One who has walked the path before us, has faced the trials and temptations you and i face, and has gained the victory with no blemish.

this is what it is. what God has lead us to in life thus far. He is the Commander. I do not know where exactly we will end up, but i find rest and security in knowing He does. I hope you can find that same rest and security. and let us not forget, it is only found in one person, Jesus Christ. that is what it is.

p.s.- hope this makes some sense to you. cause, to be frank (though i am luke) it did not transfer to paper as easily as it flowed through my mind.

Maggie's Story

2011-01-28T17:39:00.000-08:00

For those reading this, let me first clarify that I (Luke's wife) have confiscated Luke's blog for the purpose of sharing Maggie's story (with permission, of course :)). Luke is not the author of this one. I understand this will also be posted to his facebook (which makes me feel mildly awkward, but I think I can manage). I hope you enjoy it.

She sits in the back of the class, head hung low. Her teacher seems to like her, but she’s not too sure. No one spent much time with her when she was little. Now, she’s skittish around new people and places. She doesn’t understand why sometimes people cross the street, rather than having to pass close by her, and she doesn’t know why people make comments about her as she walks by. Her foster parents have started her in a new program, hoping to catch up on the socialization she missed growing up. Her new family agrees that it’s helping, but the stigma surrounding her just never seems to go away.

Meet Maggie. She’s not your ordinary “foster child.” Maggie is a 35 pound red pit bull. We never intended to take her in, much less keep her as long as we have. You see, we already have four dogs, two of which are pit bulls. A woman from work approached me, asking if we would taken in an eight month old puppy. She explained that they had taken the dog in to keep her from the shelter, only to find that a couple months down the road (and with a new baby), they could no longer keep her. The woman told me that the dog was going hungry. I told her there was no way we could take the dog in, and my husband confirmed my logic later that night. But as the day progressed, the words “going hungry” echoed through my mind. I thought to the day we had gotten Ryland, my Staffordshire. We met his owners at a Quik Trip. When I saw the five month old puppy, I bit back tears. Trying to hide my anger, I sat down to pet the worst looking puppy I had ever seen. Although his eyes were bright, his every rib showed. His coat was dull and he shook in the wind. We paid the fifteen dollars the couple had asked for and took him home. It took months to bring his health back.

Later that night, I asked my husband about the puppy my coworker had told us about. He reminded me that we were spending too much on dog food now. I reminded him about the state that Ryland had been found in. As it turns out, my husband has a heart as soft as mine. I guess that’s why I married him, because when I told him we needed to take in this dog, he agreed.

We told ourselves that two weeks would be the limit. After that, she would go to the Humane Society. We knew enough about their testing process to know that she wouldn’t qualify for being adopted just yet. We had to work with her at home. We potty trained her, taught her to sit and to sleep in her own crate at night. At home, she reminds me of a daisy. Gentle and pretty, she’ll sheepishly walk over and gently lay her head on my leg. It’s her way of asking if she can climb up on the couch and cuddle, soaking up any attention she can get, the way a flower soaks in the sunshine. In public, though, she might as well be Dogzilla. And Dogzilla is not the easiest dog to find a home for.

Her timid personality is misinterpreted around new people. Her shyness is seen as aggression; her lack of training and socialization are viewed as behavioral problems. So, somehow, her “two weeks” have turned into eleven. Although potential new owners have met her, they were intimidated by her behavior. I can’t say that I blame them- a bully breed is not for everyone. Even though I’ve been around dogs my whole life, I wasn’t sure where to start with Maggie, either. It doesn’t help that so many people think negatively of her breed.

I listed an ad online, asking for help with training, and hoping that someone would work with our meager budget of $50. Our knight in shining armor came in the form of the Complete K9 owner and trainer, Toney Turner. Something about our plight caught his eye, and he called, asking for our story. Four million cats and dogs are put down every year, and a large majority of those are pit bulls. I should stop and clarify here that the term “pit bull,” according to the Pit Bull Recue Central, is not a breed, but rather describes dogs that are viewed as “pit bulls” to the public, including the American Pit Bull Terriers, American Staffordshire Terriers, and Staffordshire Bull Terriers. Toney must have realized that Maggie was special to us. I felt silly as I tried to explain the bond we had already. I stumbled over my words, and said, “Well, she is a good dog. At least, at home, she is. In public, she gets scared and barks and will growl if someone comes too close. But at home, really, she is a really good dog.” Mr. Turner laughed and said he understood, but I was frustrated. You see, even though someone else was willing to give me so much of his time, I was unable to explain why Maggie was so special. I guess it’s because she’s an inspiration.

My husband and I began the pursuit of adopting a child from foster care in March of 2009. We don’t have any kids of our own yet. It makes me laugh when people ask why we don’t want kids of our own. Of course, I tell them, we want children of our own. Adoption means a family just as much as a biological addition. We aren’t opposed to having biological children, but we want to adopt first. Someone asked my mother why we would want a child from foster care- after all, she said, those children have “issues.” My mom smiled and asked if she knew anyone who didn’t. The woman caught on quickly. God says that all children are a blessing. He doesn’t say “biological children” or “children without issues.” He says “all children.”

A couple months ago, as we got closer to meeting the children we hope to invite into our family, I began to feel overwhelmed. What would I tell them when they came with hurts that need healing? With tears that need drying? With Maggie, I found my answer. I would tell them what Maggie taught me. You keep on going. We are the fourth family that Maggie has been with. She keeps on going. She looks up to her master to follow, just as we look up to ours for guidance. And she keeps on going.

When we do adopt, and our children have struggles, I will tell them Maggie’s story. I’ll tell them how Maggie went through four families before she found the perfect one. I’ll tell them that she was scared of people, and sometimes people didn’t want much to do with her, either. When our children are sad or feeling as an outcast, I’ll tell them that most people thought Maggie was a lost cause. I’ll tell them that, even though she had problems, we didn’t give up on her. And we won’t give up on them, either. Because of Maggie, I’ve found an inner strength, too. Just like we didn’t give up on her, I won’t give up on myself. I know life isn’t always kind, and is rarely perfect. But I won’t give up.

Everyone deserves a second chance.

We can’t keep Maggie if we want to adopt, or be foster parents. We already have an American Pit Bull and a Staffordshire Terrier, and neither is a very favorable breed where the state is concerned. We’ve been informed that we need to find her a new home. She is now in training with a wonderful instructor, and he won’t give up on her, either. Our children will likely never meet Maggie, but I hope I am able to tell them that Maggie found a great home with new owners that love her for who she is, and that they are pursuing more training. I will not accept the idea that I may have to tell them an unhappy ending for her. I will not tell my children that, in the end, we did give up on Maggie, that we had to take her to the shelter. I will not tell them that she had to be put down, because I know there is hope.

Mr. Turner says that Maggie’s behavior problems are out of fear. She is terrified of people. Unlike our American Pit, who loves everyone and is very affectionate, Maggie is looking at around a year more of training to become properly socialized and learn to trust.

Maggie has taught us to keep moving forward. We can only keep her for another four to ten weeks, and we hope to find her an appropriate, loving home by then. Although we can’t keep her, we can keep the memories she’s given us. We can keep the lessons she has taught. Most importantly, we can keep our hope.

Special thanks to Ashley Wing for editing my story- you took four pages of my jumbled thoughts and emotions, and turned them into a story that deserves to be told.

A special thanks also to Toney Turner, owner of Complete K9 for believing in Maggie as much as we do.

marriage equals humbling

2010-10-21T17:12:00.000-07:00

it has been just over one year and two months since amanda and i were married. it has been a rough year with many obsticals, surprises and everything between. but in the end we have grown closer together, and our love has grown deeper. as i process some of those events and trials, i plan to write more. but for now i want to meditate on a verse i read again today.

1What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you? Is it not this, that your passions are at war within you?

i read this in James 4 this evening, and i could not help but think of my marriage. i have encountered many people over the last year, whether it be by their words or just through interactions with them, that seem to think amanda and i have things all figured out. and as much as i would love to say yes we do, there is so much more we have to learn.

there is so much more i have to learn.

that we do not fight and bicker in public does not mean that this does not take place at times within our home. it does. pastor hauter told us that conflict is inevitable, combat is optional. how we react to the conflicts we face every day is up to us. we make the choices and have to live with the consequences. and how often do we fight because of the desires within us?

how often is it because of selfishness on our part?

it hurts and yet is relieving to say, much of what i argue about and get upset over is rooted in selfishness. i struggle with placing my wife over my own desires. i struggle with loving her more than myself. i struggle with laying my passions and desires, wants and needs, my selfishness aside and instead place hers at the top of my priorities.

and this is a problem. a BIG problem. this selfishness is completely contradictory to what i am commanded to do. Paul commands husbands to "...love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, 26that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, 27so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. 28In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself" (Ephesians 5:25-28). to love my wife as i am supposed to i must put aside my selfishness.

and that is not easy. temptation in every form creeps up quickly, Satan is sly in his tactics. But he is no match for God! Jesus told His disciples that with God, all things are possible (Matthew 19:26). we, as man, are wicked sinners incapable of pleasing God, let alone fixing our own problem. and that is a hard pill to swallow. i am a fixer, just ask my wife. and it kills me when i cannot fix something. but that is the truth. no matter how hard we try, completeness is unattainable on our own. apart from God, nothing can be made right. and apart from God, our passions and desires cannot be overcome.

it is He who holds the power. it is by His spirit in His children we become conquerors. and it is by His Son, the Christ Jesus, that we can have that Spirit of God. It is mercy and grace that allows us to be made humble and accept Christ as the King of our life. and it is by those means also that as His children, we can overcome our selfishness and love our wife as she should be.

an endless seeking

2010-03-15T00:00:00.000-07:00

once again i find that it has been some time since i have last written much of anything. my desire to write more and more seems to vanish quicker and quicker as time progresses and "life" takes over. like so many other things held so dear, i continue to need to fight to make time for writing.

and here i am sick, home instead of work, mulling over recent past events. so much has happened in the short span of time since last writing. new jobs, new place to live, new dog, soon to be new bunnies, and as always, new problems and accusations.

but something seems to come up with every problem we have encountered. not so much a phrase, but a point. that is, you have to do things for yourself. you have to provide for yourself. you have to figure everything out for yourself. you, you, you. and yet, Scripture tells me the exact opposite.

God, God, God.

it makes me sick to see so many people call themselves followers of Christ, and yet are blindly enslaved to the worlds ideas that God does not care about you. that instead of trusting God to provide for our every need as He has promised, we should instead fight for all of these things we "deserve" on our own.

17Command those who are rich in this present world not to be arrogant nor to put their hope in wealth, which is so uncertain, but to put their hope in God, who richly provides us with everything for our enjoyment.

this is from 1 Timothy, where Paul tells Timothy that this life is not about cars and money and big houses. it is not about getting everything that this world has to offer. you see those things pass away, they do not last. so why put your hope, your faith in them? Jesus said something similar as recorded in the gospel of Luke,

22Then Jesus said to his disciples: "Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat; or about your body, what you will wear. 23Life is more than food, and the body more than clothes. 24Consider the ravens: They do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn; yet God feeds them. And how much more valuable you are than birds! 25Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? 26Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest? 27Consider how the lilies grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you, not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 28 If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today, and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, how much more will He clothe you, O you of little faith! 29And do not set your heart on what you will eat or drink; do not worry about it. 30For the pagan world runs after all such things, and your Father knows that you need them. 31But seek His kingdom, and these things will be given to you as well.

our focus should not be on us. our focus should not be on fulfilling all of our needs ourselves. truth is, no matter how hard we try, we will never succeed. we will always be short a buck, and thinking a newer house or car would make us happier. it makes me wonder, should our needs even be of concern to us? Jesus said not to worry about them. Jesus said that they would be provided for by the Father. all we have to do is seek His kingdom. all we have to do is follow Him.

it seems to be an issue of trust at the core. do we trust ourselves, or God? the first appears to be easier than the latter. i find it interesting that trusting in the intangible is often times difficult for people, yet it is what we are commanded to do. though, i am sure that the intangible is real; i am sure that the God of the Bible is real, alive, presence with me right now. i have seen His mighty hand provide for my wife and i over and over and over again. without fail, when it appears that we just wont make it, He shows up. when all the critics told us we would never find jobs and should just settle with fast food work, God provided amazing jobs for both of us. when the critics told us we should just settle with government housing, God opened the door for us to rent a house and bring our three dogs at an affordable price and in a safe community. when the critics told us that God only helps those who help themselves, we stood back and looked to God. and you know what?

HE showed up, mightily.

it is not that we are to be lazy. we are not commanded to sit around and do nothing, waiting for God to do everything. the point is, where is your trust? is it in yourself, or in God?

He knows what i need, when i need it, before i ever think about it. and i know, by His word, that He will be faithful to provide. all i have to do, is trust and seek Him. seek His kingdom. not my own, not myself.

after all,
HE is God, not i.

the joys of political science

2009-11-23T08:34:00.000-08:00

recently in my political science class, we were instructed to pick a topic covered in our text and write a research paper on it. the 2nd Amendment has always been something of interest to me, as i firmly believe in the Constitutional right to keep and bear arms. following is my research paper on this topic, which i am hoping you find to be enjoyable ;-)

The Second Amendment: Is Bearing Arms a Constitutional Right?

Luke Wagner

POLSC115 On-Line

Prof. Stan Mendenhall

November 27^th, 2009

“A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to bear Arms, shall not be infringed.”

- 2^nd Amendment, United States of America Constitution

“To disarm the people is the best and most effectual way to enslave them.”

- George Mason

“They that can give up essential Liberty to purchase a little temporary safety, deserve neither Liberty nor safety.”

- Benjamin Franklin

“Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed. That whenever any form of government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or abolish it.”

- Declaration of Independence

“I ask, sir, what is the militia? It is the whole people, except for a few public officials.”

- George Mason

“…No free man shall be debarred the use of arms within his own land.”

- Thomas Jefferson, Virginia Constitution of 1776

Table of Contents

I. History of the Second Amendment

a. How it came to be

i. The writing of the Constitution, penning and acceptance of the Second Amendment

b. Purpose and intentions of the Founding Fathers

II. Everyone has an Opinion

a. Modern Interpretations

i. Why most are wrong

b. Even Liberals admit they are wrong, sometimes

c. Who is the Amendment intended for?

III. One more Purpose

a. The right of Self-defense

b. Why is this important?

IV. Is Bearing Arms a Constitutional Right?

a. Changing times equals biased tolerance

b. The Government as Master

c. It shall not be infringed upon

d. The next step

The issue of the Second Amendment can be described as a “hot topic”, perhaps now more than ever before. In recent years it has gained attention with other issues like abortion and gay rights, always gaining greater notice during election times. With this issue come opposing viewpoints and thoughts covering extremes on both ends, and others being found more towards the middle of the spectrum. In this short paper it is my desire to explore the ideology and purpose of the Founding Fathers behind the 2^nd Amendment, historical and modern interpretations of the Second Amendment and, in the end, come to a final conclusion as to whether the right to own and use a firearm today is truly a constitutional right. But as with all research papers, first a little history must be brought to light.

History of the Second Amendment

When this great country was first being formed, it was under British rule. Comprised of small colonies spread along the east coast facing a mysterious wilderness of sorts to the west, it was vastly different from what we find the United States of America to be today. After the first pilgrims landed in James Town in 1607, the first representative assembly was established (Welch, 22). Over the next several years there were constitutions and assemblies within each colony, but because of British rule the assemblies had to submit to royally appointed governors and troops. It was not until 1774, after years of conflict between self-government by the colonies and the mother British government, that the Continental Congress was established in an attempt to coordinate their actions. Two years later in 1776 Congress adopted the Declaration of Independence. Five years after that, while the Revolutionary War was still taking place, the States ratified the first constitution. This constitution was called the Articles of Confederation, and allowed each state to retain its own “sovereignty”, in essence making each state supreme over the national government.

The Articles of Confederation were short lived though, and in 1787 the Constitutional Convention took place in Philadelphia with fifty-five delegates from the State legislatures being present. It was at this meeting that instead of revising the Articles of Confederation as they had been instructed to do, they created a brand new constitution. After much deliberation, conflict and compromise, on September 17^th, 1787 thirty-nine of the original fifty-five delegates signed what we now have and call the Constitution. Soon after the ratification of the Constitution, George Washington became the nations first President in 1788.

It was James Madison who drafted twelve amendments, including the 2^nd, which we will be examining here. After being drafted, Congress proposed them, and then the States ratified ten in 1791. For the 2^nd Amendment in particular, there were many factors behind the writing of it. As with all the contents of our historical documents, the words and phrases used were carefully selected, often times being debated over for long periods of time. Ideas for the wording and meaning of the 2^nd Amendment came from many sources, mainly from similar documents that were earlier drafted for State Bills of Rights, as well as from many suggestions from state conventions. A great example of this is the Virginia Constitution of 1776 in which Thomas Jefferson penned, “…No free man shall be debarred the use of arms within his own land.” With all of the State Constitutions including a section on the bearing of arms though, four beliefs could be found across the board: 1) the right of the individual to possess arms; 2) the fear of a professional army; 3) the reliance on militias controlled by the individual states; and 4) the subordination of the military to civilian control (Court).

On June 22^nd, 1788 the 2^nd Amendment was penned. The purpose for penning such an Amendment was well grounded in history and experience. Having just ended the Revolutionary War with Britain, there was a very real fear of the creation of a standing army, one which could in time threaten democracy and civil liberties, such as had happened in Rome and Britain (Origin). The purpose is perhaps best described by Professor Joyce Malcom, as she points out two distinct goals of the penning of the 2^nd Amendment: 1) it was meant to guarantee the individual’s right to have arms for self-defense and self-preservation, and 2) those privately owned arms were also meant to be used in militia service (LaPierre, 14). The 2^nd Amendment that we have in the Bill of Rights today is not, however, the original wording. When it was first penned, the amendment was much lengthier and more explanative, as can be seen in the following:

“That the people have a right to keep and bear arms; that a well-regulated militia, composed of the body of the people trained to arms, is the proper, natural, and safe defense of a free state; that standing armies, in time of peace, are dangerous to liberty, and therefore ought to be avoided, as far as the circumstances and protection of the community will admit; and that, in all cases, the military should be under strict subordination to, and governed by, the civil power.”

Here we see the intention of Madison and the other Federalists in penning the 2^nd Amendment. That original purpose was clearly “to establish a ‘well-regulated’ democratic army of citizen-soldiers instead of a professional army; not to encourage the anarchic proliferation of weapons in civil society” (Origin). What we read above was eventually whittled down to what we now read in the Bill of Rights:

“A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to bear Arms, shall not be infringed.”

Everyone has an Opinion

Over the years, as with any issue or topic, there have been different interpretations of the 2^nd Amendment. As mentioned before, they range from one extreme to the other. Three interpretations are identified in the online article “The Second Amendment”:

1) The civilian militia interpretation, which holds that the Second Amendment is no longer valid, having been intended to protect a militia system that is no longer in place.

2) The individual rights interpretation, which holds that the individual right to bear arms is a basic right on the same order as the right to free speech.

3) The median interpretation, which holds that the Second Amendment does protect an individual right to bear arms but is restricted by the militia language in some way.

Those in favor of gun laws will either align themselves with the first or third interpretation for their defense. But when the Amendment is closely examined within the context it was written, and when the original context of certain words used is taken into consideration, the first and third given interpretations have no grounds to stand. Let’s look at the word militia, the fourth word in the 2^nd Amendment. A modern interpretation can be found at Dictionary.com, giving four definitions for the word:

1) A body of citizens enrolled for military service, and called out periodically for drill but serving full time only in emergencies.

2) A body of citizen soldiers as distinguished from professional soldiers.

3) All able-bodied males considered by law eligible for military service.

4) A body of citizens organized in a paramilitary group and typically regarding themselves as defenders of individual rights against the presumed interference of the federal government.

Found at the same site defining the word militia is the following dated 1777: "the whole body of men declared by law amenable to military service, without enlistment, whether armed and drilled or not." This definition, dated closely to the time of writing of the 2^nd Amendment, gives us a clearer understanding of what Madison meant when he used the word militia. Shortly after the penning of the 2^nd Amendment, co-author George Mason said to the Virginia Assembly, “I ask, sir, what is the militia? It is the whole people, except for a few public officials.” He also made a clear distinction in his writing entitled Fairfax County Militia Plan between a “standing army” such as a guard unit, and a “militia,” composed of private citizens (LaPierre, 5). It is clear that the Founding Fathers, the authors of our founding documents and the 2nd Amendment, referred to the common people when using the word militia, not an organized military party as many today claim. Akhil Amar, a Yale Law Professor, is quoted speaking on the subject of the definition of the word militia in the 2^nd Amendment,

“When the Constitution means ‘states’ it says so… The ultimate right to keep and bear arms belongs to ‘the people,’ not the ‘states.’ …Thus the ‘people’ at the core of the 2^nd Amendment are the citizens – the same ‘We the People’ who ‘ordain and establish’ the Constitution and whose rights to assemble…is at the core of the 1^st Amendment. …Nowadays, it is quite common to speak loosely of the National Guard as ‘the State militia,’ but when the 2^nd Amendment was written…’the militia’ referred to all citizens capable of bearing arms. Thus ‘the militia’ is identical to ‘the people’… (LaPierre, 13).

Further, Professor Malcom points out that the idea or argument that today’s National Guard members are the only persons entitled to own and bear arms has no historical ground. The “militia” referred to in the 2^nd Amendment is the people (Guns, 15). Perhaps my favorite quote on interpretation of the 2^nd Amendment comes from CNN’s “Crossfire” co-host, liberal Michael Kinsley:

“My New Republic colleague Mickey Kaus says that if liberals interpreted the second amendment the way they interpret the rest of the Bill of Rights, there would be law professors arguing that gun ownership is mandatory” (LaPierre, 12).

One More Purpose

While the purposes of the 2^nd Amendment have been outlined previously, there is one that I believe is important to expand upon. Professor Malcom touched on the fact that one of the purposes of the 2^nd Amendment is the protection of the right to self-defense. However, today this is a point that is viciously argued against by those desiring gun laws, often saying that self-defense is not grounds for ownership of firearms. Wayne LaPierre, author and chief national spokesman of the National Rifle Association says in his book,

“The Founders’ purpose in guaranteeing the right to keep and bear arms was not merely to overthrow tyrants. They saw the right to arms as crucial to what they believed was a prime natural right – self-defense” (LaPierre, 20).

Even as early as 1765, the right to self-defense was considered an absolute right (LaPierre, 24). Today, the protection of this right is of greater importance then ever before. The point proven by many studies done over the years is that criminals fear armed citizens. Common sense tells a person that an unarmed citizen is more easily made a victim of a crime than one in possession of a firearm. LaPierre draws on a study done in 1993 by Florida State University criminologist Gary Kleck that says, “As many as 2.45 million crimes are thwarted each year in the United States by average citizens using firearms, and in most cases the potential victim never has to fire a shot” (LaPierre, 23). Further pointed out by LePierre is that, “Counterattack – self-defense – has proved to be a more effective deterrent to crime then any of the laws on the books. Criminals don’t fear the law – but they do fear armed citizens” (LaPierre, 26).

Those in favor of gun laws will often times argue that these laws will lower crime rates. Yet, as pointed out, study after study has supported the fact that armed citizens are the best deterrent to crime. I remember learning from a fellow student at a place of secondary education that several of the students had concealed weapons permits and carried handguns with them in class. The fact that I was surrounded by competent and armed individuals made me feel safer than I had ever been before. I knew that, should an individual come through a door with the intentions of harming another, they would be either scared off or stopped in their tracks. It is interesting that other countries like Britain and Australia have seen increases in crime rates since banning firearm ownership by their citizens. George Mason once said, “To disarm the people is the best and most effectual way to enslave them” (LaPierre, 5). Criminals know this and bank their success in completing a crime on it. It would do America good to learn from the mistakes of other countries.

Is Bearing Arms a Constitutional Right?

Times have changed since the founding of this great country and the writing of our founding documents. But changing times does not justify the reinterpretation of a constitutional amendment protecting the right of every law-abiding U.S. citizen. Perhaps LaPierre says it best:

“If ‘changing times’ justifies ignoring or re-interpreting the 2^nd Amendment, then ‘changing times’ affect many Constitutional rights, not just the right to arms” (LaPierre, 18).

Changing times is another point raised by those in favor of gun-laws. It is the same as their argument of tolerance with regards to the issue of religion. Those who are Christ following Christians are labeled as intolerant by those who hate Christians. Who is intolerant? Who, with regards to the 2^nd Amendment right to bear arms, is contradictory in their thoughts and arguments?

It is very clear that the right to bear arms is a Constitutional right, one that our government has no right to take away. The arguments based on crime, the interpretation of the word “militia”, and changing times do not stand when compared to history. Our Founding Fathers had very clear intentions in writing the 2^nd Amendment. It also appears clear that they knew at some point in the future of this great country, that right would be challenged by the government meant to protect it:

“As the Founding Fathers knew well, a government that does not trust its honest, law-abiding, tax paying citizens with the means of self-defense is not itself worthy of trust. Laws disarming honest citizens proclaim that the government is the master, not the servant of the people…” (LaPierre, 21).

Our government has clearly shown just this, a lack of trust in the people it is meant to serve. The government has positioned itself as a master, as one does who owns a slave. It is my belief that to lie down and give into the pressures of the government with regards to the 2^nd Amendment is one of the most unpatriotic things an American can do, right along with fighting for laws contradicting the 2^nd Amendment.

I often times wonder what our Founding Fathers would think of this country were they to be alive today. My guess would be “ashamed,” not only of the leaders, but of the people as well. Benjamin Franklin once said, “They that can give up essential Liberty to purchase a little temporary safety, deserve neither liberty nor safety” (Guns, 10). The right to bear arms is a Constitutional right, whether it be for self-defense, hunting, or collection. It is a right protected by the Constitution itself, and one that should not be infringed upon by the government. But, things will not change unless the American people wake up and realize this fact. Nothing will change for the good of this country unless the American people recognize their duty as citizens to hold our elected officials accountable to the oaths they have taken to uphold the founding documents of this great country. That, though, is a hard pill to swallow these days, and one that is met with great opposition. This does not however negate the need to stand and fight; for if not, we will soon be like other countries around the globe: unarmed, defenseless and cornered by the government created and meant to serve us, the American people.

Bibliography

Cornell, Saul. A Well-Regulated Militia: The Founding Fathers and the Origins of Gun Control in America. Oxford: Oxford University Press, 2006.

Cothran, Helen, ed. Gun Control: Opposing Viewpoints. Farmington Hills, MI: Greenhaven Press, 2003.

Doherty, Brian. Gun Control on Trial: Inside the Supreme Court Battle Over the Second Amendment. Washington, D.C.: Cato Institute, 2008.

Farewell to Arms?: Gun Control. Dir. Paul Marca. Hoover Institution & KTEH/San Jose Public Television, 1999.

Freedman, Warren. The Privilege to Keep and Bear Arms: The Second Amendment and its Interpretation. New York : Quorum Books, 1989.

“The Ideological Origins of the Second Amendment.” GunCite. 03 Nov. 2009

http://www.guncite.com/journals/shalideo.html

LaPierre, Wayne. Guns, Crime, and Freedom. Washington, D.C.: Regnery Publishing, Inc., 1994.

“Origin of the Second Amendment.” Project for Global Democracy and Human Rights. 03 Nov. 2009 http://www.worldpolicy.org/projects/globalrights/usa/2ndamend.html

“SAF Gun Rights Frequently Asked Questions.” Second Amendment Foundation Online. 06 Oct. 2009 http://www.saf.org/default.asp?p=gunrights_faq#1.

“The Second Amendment.” About.com: Civil Liberties. 03 Nov. 2009

http://civilliberty.about.com/od/guncontrol/p/2nd_amendment.htm

“The Second Amendment Goes to Court.” Origins: Current Events in Historical Perspective. 03 Nov. 2009

http://ehistory.osu.edu/osu/origins/article.cfm?articleid=7&articlepage=1&altcontent=no

“U.S. Constitution: Second Amendment.” FindLaw For Legal Professionals. Cases & Codes. 05 Oct. 2009 http://caselaw.lp.findlaw.com/data/constitution/amendment02/.

Welch, Susan. Understanding American Government 12e. Boston: Wadsworth, 2008.

Williams, David C. The Mythic Meanings of the Second Amendment: Taming Political Violence in a Constitutional Republic. New Haven: Yale University Press, 2003.

to slay

2009-11-19T08:54:00.000-08:00

8Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable – if anything is excellent or praiseworthy – think about such things.

There’s a thought. And a hard one to practice. I was confronted today by my wife about my attitude lately. In all honesty, it has been one of rudeness and bitterness. And I was stuck with the question of why. Why am I bitter? Why am I so tense and angry? Why is it affecting me this way?

And then Amanda asked me something I had yet to think of.

Does my attitude have anything to do with my most recent work environment?

Now, in all honesty that was an area I didn’t want to visit again. I had walked away from it, feeling damaged enough, and here I am asked to re-examine it? Perhaps it is the counselor in her, but she had a point; I needed to examine it more closely.

So reluctantly, I spent some time reflecting on that past environment and noticed some similarities in my thought patterns. While working where I did, it was made very clear to me that I did not give enough, or perform good enough. My performance was expected to be perfect, and though I knew perfection was not achievable, the criticism and negative attitudes constantly surrounding me, in time brought me down. In time, my thought pattern switched from one focused on Christ to one focused on myself. It changed from one of positive, Christ-centered thought to one of negative and overly critical thought.

I had allowed, unknowingly, this negative attitude to take over my thought life. And in turn, it has had a negative effect on my relationship with my wife. Instead of responding out of love and grace, I have misinterpreted everything as criticism and recoiled back until enough is enough, and I spring back with hurtful negativity. And all the time I have sat here wondering why things have not been fun like they used to be. Why do we not enjoy each other like we did before the wedding?

See, I never realized the significance of my thought patterns in relation to other areas of my life. I had been raised with the mentality that you leave work at work, and just assumed that meant the attitude stayed as well. And honestly, I had tried on several occasions to do just that. But the reality I believe is that you can never fully leave work at work; you can never fully separate an attitude associated with one thing from another. Our attitudes are transcendent; they are not independently attached to a given situation. They follow us from one to the other, just as we walk from point “a” to point “b”. Yet, I don’t believe we think that.

So we end up in a spot much like I am. Angry, bitter, stressed out, recoiling and springing with venom at those we love most. And all the while, not knowing why. Paul tells us though, in his letter to the Philippians how we should think.

8…whatever is true…noble…right…pure…lovely…admirable – if anything is excellent or praiseworthy think about such things.

Our thoughts should be on what is good. What is holy…our thoughts should be on Christ and our Father. Not ourselves, and not the negativity we find surrounding us. Paul knew what a negative thought life could do to a person. He knew the destruction it could bring in its wake. He knew from experience that our thoughts have significant bearing on our actions and our words. The impact is great, for good or bad.

We live in a fallen world, so negativity will be with us until the end. Everywhere we go, everything we do; there will always be an element of negativity surrounding us. Yes, even within a group of believers. Being Christian does not make one immune to negativity. But the truth remains; God provides a way out when faced with sin and temptation. When we find ourselves pressed by negativity, we can turn to Paul’s words. See, it’s so easy to criticize someone, to put them down; especially when we’ve had it done to us. But as followers of Christ, we are called to be different. We are called to be holy just as the Father. Not that we will be perfect, but that in recognizing our imperfection we strive to follow Christ in all that we do. And practice of Paul’s words brings something much greater than any high some bit of criticism towards another can. It brings peace from God, one that transcends all understanding. The peace that deep down we humans desire, the filling of the void all posses from the fall; Peace from God is the answer we seek. The question then, is how badly do we want it? Are we willing to lay our pride down? Are we willing to humble ourselves not only before God, but in front of others? Are we willing to appear weak, when all we have shown is strength? Are we willing to trust in a God who is infinitely greater, infinitely more powerful, and infinitely more capable of fulfilling our needs than anyone or anything else conceivable?

Our beliefs shape our thoughts, and ultimately shape our actions. The real question we must wrestle with is what do you believe about God? Is He what the Scriptures say? Or is He some evil kill-joy, trying to ruin our lives? The things Paul encourages us to think about are essentially traits of God. He is noble, trustworthy, pure, true, right, lovely, admirable, excellent and praiseworthy! That is my God, and those are the things I want to think about. I want to think about Him. What I believe about Him, shapes what I think about Him. And in turn, this effects how I think about other things in my life.

Negativity, just like any other sin, only has a hold on us as long as we allow it to. Not that we in of our selves can defeat it. No, it is Christ! But as long as we lie down and allow ourselves to be overrun by Satan, negativity’s grasp on us will not weaken. It’s with Christ, when we wake up and recognize His power within us, through the Spirit we become more than conquerors. When we let go of the reigns of our life and turn them over to Christ, only then will negativity’s grip be broken. And with this freedom through and in Christ, we can practice Paul’s words of exhortation. We can through Christ, find the peace we long for. And ultimately our thoughts can be rightly placed on God and His Son.

Our thoughts influence more than we realize. And more than that, our beliefs are of greater importance than we often give them. We though, are the only ones who can decide what those beliefs will be.

So I ask, how do you want to think?

the next step

2009-07-12T07:56:00.000-07:00

you know the old saying, God is good?

well, im here to tell ya this is very true. and by His grace, He has been good by granting us something good.

as many of you probably know by now, i made the decision by God's leading not to return to Moody this coming fall. it was a tough one to make, but i was blessed with a great deal of peace in the end. the first half of this summer i wrestled with being patient and jumping the gun in figuring out what i was going to do this coming fall. amanda and i had talked a great deal about getting married before school started, and perhaps me attending a university in arkansas.

but God had something else up his sleeve for us, something great.

we both felt lead to pursue marriage this august, and so we set out in prayer knowing that if this was God's desire for us, He would open the doors. after some thought and counsel regarding school, we felt lead to have me do a year of ICC, and stay in this area. this decision lead to the finding of a full-time, year round job.......an essential to any marriage (financially that is).

and this is where i get to say, God is good!!!
this past friday i recieved a phone call from the campus housing at ICC, informing me that they would like to offer me the position of Resident Director. it was the day we really needed to say either we go forward with the wedding, or call it off. and God showed up, throwing the door open for us. God has opened so many doors for us just within the last month, allowing things to fall right into place for a wedding next month. it is He we give the praise to, not man. it is by His grace that the job was offered to me. and it is by His grace that everything for the wedding has worked out!

i ask for your prayers as we both prepare for the actual wedding date, and for me as i also prepare for this new job. the environment will be vastly different from what i have experienced in the past. but my God is great, and where i am lacking He is sufficient.

it has begun

2009-06-10T14:36:00.000-07:00

much has been happening in my life, as some already know. for those who have been out of the loop and want back in, click the image to the right and read on.....

overwhelming peace

2009-05-19T09:58:00.000-07:00

well, another school year has come and gone, and there has been much happening in my life just over the last few days. i left Moody without saying much, and for that i apologize. for those who have not heard, i will not be returning next year to Moody. it was a last minute decision, but one that was prompted by God. mixed feelings come with it, though i am at great peace, despite not having a clue as to what is next. i have many doors open before me, including school, full-time employment, and even over-seas missions. i am not yet sure what God has in store for me concerning next school year, but i am patiently waiting to see, trying different doors and seeing which one God will leave open. i enjoyed my time with friends at Moody, and i want you all to know i will miss you a great deal. many of you i did not get to say goodbye to, and i hope to be back again to visit. through this last week though, i have been reminded of a great truth. when everything falls apart, all of your plans and ideas....God never does. He never leaves, He never changes. He is always there, waiting for you to come to Him. i have shared with some that i have never felt as helpless as i do right now. my funding for my ministry is below par, and i have no idea what i am going to do next school year. but in the midst of what many would find confusing and stressing, i have total peace. not one bit of stress is on my shoulders. and thanks be to God for that. He has provided more than i could have ever asked for, when it looks like i have nothing. i will be visiting some schools, and am considering looking into missions opportunities. i ask for your prayers as i continue to search God's direction at this point in my life. it is an exciting time, and i am thankful to have the ultimate guide leading me on.
philippians 4:6-7 is so true.

2009-04-13T11:56:00.000-07:00

it rained today in the city. normally this upsets me, seeing nothing but concrete and then a gray sky dropping water all over me. but today was different. today, it brought a sense of peace and joy. it brought hope.

hope, that soon it will pass. storms come and go, they never stay. some might linger longer than others, but they eventually pass. sometimes they hide the end, like a cloud covering a mountain top....but i know it is still there. there is hope. and though the end i am walking towards seems dark; though the mountain top i climb towards seems non-existent, i know it is there. i cant do it on my own, no. i am to weak, to frail. i am often times blinded by emotion. everything within me says, just curl up in a ball and let it pass. but i cant. i want the light, and it is there.

i need help, i cannot do this on my own. my weakness holds me back, it tempts me to give up. but i cant. i must lean on the One who has been through the storm. the One who has made it, and is qualified to lead. this is where my hope lies. this is where strength surges to overcome my weakness. not my strength, but His. this is my hope. i know what lies behind the clouds in this storm, and it is glorious.

attitude check

2009-03-12T07:58:00.001-07:00

iv been wanting to blog again for some time, but have found nothing pressed upon my heart to write. until this morning. normally things come to me in the shower, but this morning it was while i enjoyed my waffles and bacon with a cup of oj.

for the last several weeks i have been working on a lesson for one of my classes. i have been studying a passage in the book of Malachi, and it has been fascinating studying the historical and spiritual context of the people in this book. the main focus i am teaching on has to do with blessing and repentance, but something else came to mind as i sat and thought about the passage at breakfast this morning. something i will not be teaching on this time, so i thought a blog would be good.

my passage of choice is Malachi 3:6-18, and there is an interesting thing that we find in this passage that i believe shows us the hearts of the people. we find here God calling the people of Israel back to repentance, to fully rely on Him and follow the commands He has given them. in return, God promises to bless them incredibly (10b). now, these people have time and time again been called back to repentance and fallen away again. but here we find God calling the people out on specific sins, specifically tithing, and their speaking against God. lets look at the first situation:

7b"But you ask, 'How are we to return?'
8Will a man rob God? Yet you rob me.
But you ask, 'How do we rob you?'"

the people of Malachi's day were not new to this. they knew the commands of the LORD, and yet again they choose to disobey. and here we find God confronting them, calling them out in their sin. did you notice how they responded? as if they were in shock and have no idea what God is talking about. we see it again in the second situation:

13"You have said harsh things against me," says the LORD.
"Yet you ask, 'what have we said against you?'"

yet again we find them playing dumb. here i believe we see the hearts of the people. prideful, arrogant, and self-righteous people who denied and question God's accusations of their sin. i think of the times when i have and do sin still, and how do i act when i am confronted with it. do i play dumb? do i let my selfish pride and self-righteousness get in the way, and stop me from being humbled and repenting? sadly, i must say yes. i think many of us do. it is funny, at least for me, how i can look at the people of the Bible, and be so judgmental and condescending in my thoughts towards them. "wow, were they blind? that seems so easy! why couldn't they just do it???" and yet, i am no different than they were. i am just as sinful, and just as spiritually dumb a lot of the time. i am just as self-righteous and prideful and arrogant as the people of the Bible. and yet, we are called to be much more than that. or perhaps, it would be better put to say much less than that. to be humble. to be repentant.

it makes me think of the psalm of David after Nathan the prophet confronted him of his adulterous act with Bathsheba. in Psalm 51 he writes,

17The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit;
a broken and contrite heart,
O God, you will not despise.

we do not see this at first with the people in Malachi's day. their hearts were prideful and arrogant, full of self-righteousness. we are called to be as David was when his sin was found out; broken, humbled and repentant before the throne of God.

next time you are confronted with sin in your life, how will you react? will it be in a way similar to the Israelite's of Malachi's day? or will it be like that of David? and this isn't just with God directly, but with the people He places in our paths as well. what would it look like if the next time you get in an argument with your spouse, you went back to them and apologized? or when you make fun of that kid at school, you tell them you are sorry? what would it look like, what would it be like, if those were not just words that spilled out of our mouths as involuntary reactions, but were instead intentionally filled with humility, love and repentance? God wants more than empty words. He wants repentance, and obedience.

the simple five year plan: follow, wait, trust

2009-02-04T11:09:00.000-08:00

i just got back from the morning session of founder's week for today. and i am mixed with a feeling of refreshing and humbleness. the first speaker, crawford loritts spoke from the Psalms of david. in particular Psalm 34. the message he brought forth was one of great need i believe, to my stubborn heart. Crawford spoke of david in a time of distress, when everything seemed to be falling down around him. and yet, he knew where to put his trust. he knew that even though all these things are falling down around him, God was still there. and this is where he needed to put his trust.

the second speaker was one greatly known in the Christian community. the creator of veggie tales, phil vischer. he told his story of how God used the event of losing his dream, Big Idea Productions, as a catalyst for getting him back on the right track. this hit me hard. the truth he brought forth with examples like the shunammite woman and elisha, and abraham sacrificing isaac. the truth? our main thing needs to be the main thing, and that is God. that we need to be willing to give up everything to God, trusting He knows best for us. there was this equation phil spoke about, that God + stuff = the same as God only. you see, we cant add anything to God, and we need nothing more than God alone. so why are we so fixed on our stuff? why do we cling so tightly to these dreams? we should be clinging instead to the Creator. phil ended by talking about noah, and how all he did was walk in righteousness before God. and you know what? God brought a great task for him to do. but noah didnt go looking for something great to do. instead he waited, and during that time of wait he followed God.

do we do that? or are we more concerned with where we will be five years down the road? when you are asked that question, is your answer like that phil offered? do you simply want to be in the Will of God? i know one thing about my future. God has something in store for me. what is it? i honestly dont know. and i am ok with that. in fact, i find a great deal of peace in not knowing. cause you see, if the Creator of dreams and ideas wants you to do something, He will tell you. He will show you. you dont have to go out searching.

you only have to follow and wait. hows that for a kicker?

the up-and-coming...

2009-01-21T12:34:00.000-08:00

Click on the picture to expand for reading)

it has come to my attention that it has been some time since i have last blogged. and honestly, i am feeling a bit horrible about it. writing has become such a huge part of my life over the last few years, that to not do it for a length of time is like starving myself of food. i have so much i wish to write, but not enough time. i have been wrestling with several things i hope to share in the very near future. but for now, i wish to share what i am in the process of doing.

in this post i have included my support letter for my summer ministry. God has been gracious yet again in providing me with a ministry opportunity that is out of this world. how that has come to be, and what exactly, you will have to read the letter to find. in all, even when the sky's in life seem dark and rainy, i can attest that the LORD God is a good, gracious, and loving God. be on the look out for more to come!

p.s. - if you would like more information on what i will be up to, or how you can help me prepare for this summer and meet my goals, please contact me!

to follow

2008-12-04T08:34:00.000-08:00

i decided about a week ago, to re-read the Gospels. i must admit, it has been some time since i had last spent solid time studying the life of Jesus. and so i have begun reading the Gospel of Matthew again, taking it slow and soaking it in. and for the last day or so i have been stuck on a part in chapter 4. i have read on, but i find myself coming back to this part over and over again.

it is the part where Jesus calls His first disciples. a part that honestly, i think often times i have just blown by. but something about it struck me this time. there seems to me something peculiar about the calling here. no, not so much the calling itself, but the response to it.

19"Come, follow me," Jesus said, "and I will make you fishers of men." 20At once they left their nets and followed Him. 21Going on from there, He saw two other brothers, James son of Zebedee and his brother John. They were in a boat with their father Zebedee, preparing their nets. Jesus called them, 22and immediately they left the boat and their father and followed Him.

here we find Jesus walking up to some men, telling them to follow Him, and they just leave everything behind. something about this strikes me in a way i have no words for. these grown men, with businesses and equipment for the job, even a father, just get up and leave it all behind without a second thought. i remember hearing before something about the way Jesus called them. i had heard that it was an honor to be a disciple of a rabbi, a teacher. and that the way to be called into discipleship by one was for them to simply say, "follow me". this is exactly what Jesus did. now, Jesus is much more than a typical rabbi, He is the Son of God. He is not just a teacher, but the Creator.

and He called these men to go with Him, to follow Him and learn. and they got up and did so without a second thought. i think that feeling i mentioned earlier, the one without words, is conviction. conviction in my heart about following Jesus. i remember excepting the call to follow Jesus, but am i living up to it today? am i following Him in passionate pursuit without second thoughts? am i willing to leave my boat, even my father, behind to follow the King?

Peter, Andrew, James and John were. they left it all. at once. immediately.

there was no second thought in their decision. how about you? how about me? i know for me, it is something i honestly struggle with at times. Paul talks about the battle between the spirit and the flesh. what i know is right and true, and what i want out of my selfishness. do i really want to leave my boat? how about my father? my flesh, our flesh, wants to hold onto these things. yet my spirit says no, let them go and seek passionately after the King. it says, dont look back, dont rethink it. just go.

just follow.

the call the disciples received i dont think is much different from that of ours. we are called to follow, to learn and walk in the ways of Jesus, just as the disciples were. the question i must ask, that we must ask is this: are you willing to leave it all and follow Him?

would you leave it all behind to pursue the King?

plague of weeks

2008-12-02T09:07:00.000-08:00

peace. it is something that many people in the world today desire. in fact, i think it is something many people would give a great deal for. i know peace is something i desire. but i desire something more than a world without war. cause lets face it, Scripture is clear there will be war on this earth till Christ returns. no, what i want more than that is a deeper peace. a peace that i dont really understand. i want the peace of God.

i have been stuck for several weeks now on a passage in Philippians, and it is just recently that i feel it is time to write of it. my thoughts have been on that of the future, as i am engaged now. it is interesting to me how a change in a relationship, big or small, can bring so many new thoughts. how, a change in status can bring new worries and fears, hopes and dreams. dont get me wrong, i am happy to be engaged, and am excited for the future. but with it comes decisions. this is where worry and fear can, and i think often does, creep in.

so in searching, God led me to Philippians 4. i must note that, it strikes me as funny how i have been thinking on this passage for weeks, and it was not until hearing a sermon on this very passage by my pastor this past Sunday, that i feel led to write on it. so here i am.

6Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.

Paul on several occasions addresses the importance of not worrying; of instead, bringing our issues before God. and here we find Paul following this up with the topic of peace in doing so. but, there is something here, in the way in which we present our requests, that we should do well in taking note. Paul instructs us to do so with thanksgiving. in other words, with a thankful, joyful attitude and mind-set. not one of grumbling and anger. how convicting, and yet comforting. my pastor pointed out that it is impossible to have the peace of God without a joyful, thankful spirit about us first. you cannot have peace with God before having a thankful spirit.

Paul tells us this in more than just words, but also in the way he constructs his point. he first commands us to be thankful in our requests, and THEN tells us about the peace of God. but i think there is more to this than just learning to have a thankful spirit and finding the peace of God. i believe there is more to learn here about the benefits of finding peace in God.

look at how Paul describes this peace towards the end of verse 7. he says "...which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus." i believe that when satan attacks, he more times than not targets our minds and hearts. more so than our flesh, it is the hearts and minds of people, God's children and not, that he strikes. i know this is true of me. when satan gets a foothold in my mind or heart, it only makes it easier for him to gain one with my flesh. it is because of this that what Paul says here is so significant to me.

this peace that i dont understand, this peace that is of God, guards me in the ways i need it most. it guards my most vulnerable parts of my being. and it does so in the One who conquered the attacker for all eternity. one note i read of this passage likens it to a sentry standing guard. one in a defensive stance. a "protective custody". this is the peace i desire, and it is of God. nothing else. this is a peace that the world cannot provide. it is not a peace that anything we buy can bring us.

i dont know about you, but that is the kind of peace i want. though i am residing in this world of chaos for now, it is comforting to me that i can find peace at all times, and in any situation. we all face choices each day. we all have to make decisions. some are bigger than others. but either way, satan uses those times to strike us the most with worry, fear and doubt. we are commended to take these things to God with thanksgiving. and it is then that we find peace.

but not just any peace.
a peace that honestly, i just dont get.

and i like that.

conquering the tempter

2008-11-24T17:39:00.000-08:00

i decided to start reading Matthew tonight. in all honesty, i have really slacked off on my devotional reading, and i have been feeling it. and tonight i found myself stopped on a passage i have dwelt on before, yet with no real spiritual gain. just more of a "huh, thats really interesting". but tonight i believe i got more out of it than just that.

the temptation of Jesus has always fascinated me. the idea that the King of kings, the Lord of lords would be tempted kind of blows me away. i have to wonder what satan was really thinking. did he really think he might succeed? its in Matthew 4, you should check it out. i mean honestly, the third temptation i often want to laugh. satan, tempting the Creator with His creation. funny.

but two things hit me tonight. something i think we should all ponder. the first, has to do with when we are tempted. i know for me i am most easily tempted when i am tired. i believe it is when we are at our weakest point that we are most easily conquered. did you notice how satan doesnt try his tricks until Jesus had been wandering around for 40 days? it is not until He is hungry and weak that satan launches his attack. how true is this for us? more than that, look at the boldness of satan in his attack. iv often seen, and honestly at times fight it within myself, this attitude of invincibility. we get this idea that it wont happen to us. but let us remember that we are not dealing with an enemy who is incompetent. he is sly, and he is bold. if satan is bold enough to tempt the Creator of the universe, should we not also expect him to tempt us?

Jesus though, was victorious. i mean, we are talking about God in the flesh, He created satan before he fell. i think Jesus models for us here a way to handle temptation. often i believe we try to deal with it on our own. at least i do. we get this idea that we just need to be stronger, we just need to fight a little harder. but all i have found down that path is more pain and more guilt. there is no victory. Jesus knows this, and so He responds with God's Word. He quotes Scripture to satan, refuting his temptations and offers one at a time. Jesus, when weak and tired, conquered temptation not by His own power, but by that of the Word of God. can you comprehend that? Jesus, who has all the power ever, chooses to not use it. instead, He fires back with the Word of God, penned by the prophets of the LORD!!! what an example for us!

satan tries every day to tempt God's children. often times i think he wins. i know in my life, he has gained more footholds than i want him to have, and it is always due to my poor response. temptation will always be present in this world. it is something we must learn to deal with effectively if we desire to walk in the footsteps of Christ. and like many other things, He provides for us an example we should take notice of, and put into practice.

of minimal importance

2008-11-23T09:36:00.000-08:00

i decided to not go to church this morning. and you know what? i feel great about it. dont get me wrong, i love church. i love being able to see people and worship corporately. but i just did not want that this morning. i wanted to worship, but alone. that is something i dont get much of anymore. i live in the city, i have a roommate, im always busy it seems. it is like the idea of worshiping God alone, just me and Him, has taken a back seat in importance. it is of minimal importance in today's church it seems. if you just decide to skip church and worship at home instead, you might be equated as a pagan. i know a guy who one sunday went fishing instead of church. he went by himself. i dont blame him. i love to fish, and i love being in God's creation. and what an opportunity to witness to others outside the church!

see, i think we have this mindset that church, that worship, only takes place inside the walls of the building that is on a plot of land. it is funny you know, cause Israel put God in a box like that once too. and you know what happened???? He sent them into exile to teach them a valuable lesson.....God cannot be confined! worship, likewise, cannot be confined.

God is just as pleased with me worshiping this morning in my room as He is with me worshiping in another building.

perhaps we as the body of Christ need to rethink this whole "never miss a sunday" mentality. perhaps we need to reevaluate the importance of worshiping God in secret, alone, just Him and you. in today's world where business and socializing to the extreme is praised, perhaps we should back up and take a break. now, im not advocating this for every sunday, or even every other sunday. but i think we should rethink this mentality i mentioned before.

God is not impressed that you make it to church every sunday. just like going to church doesnt make you a christian, i would be very careful to say going to church every sunday makes you a BETTER christian. God wants the heart more than the body. it is easy to show up in the pew, but leave your heart elsewhere.

i challenge you to rethink this mentality of "never miss a sunday". perhaps you are like me, and you need a break. perhaps you are like me, and this idea of individual worship is not of minimal importance in the end, but is instead of great importance.

if it is, i further challenge you to take a real sabbath. ask someone to hold you to it, and the next week ask what you learned in your time of worship. dont take it as a vacation per say, but a time of individual worship, to reconnect with God. if that is through fishing, go fish. if it is through climbing a mountain, go for it. if it is just sitting in a chair with some coffee and your Bible, get comfy.

above all else though, seek God. seek Him with your heart, mind and body. for this is true worship, honoring God in all ways.

all the cards on the table

2008-11-11T08:28:00.001-08:00

*****before i begin this blog, i want to make one thing clear. I AM NOT RACIST. i am simply stating what i see, as i see it. this is NOT a hate blog, or anything of the type against black people or white people. it is simply my observations of election results in light of some things that have been said by several people across the nation. i am also NOT saying one candidate is better than the other in this blog.*****

i have been thinking about something since election night last week. and since then there has been a lot of things happen that point towards the conclusion i have arrived at. the race card has been pulled out many times this election, mainly from the black population and the Obama party, and thrust at the white population and the McCain party. and quite frankly, i am really sick of it. i am sick of it mainly because i see a lot of evidence pointing towards the opposite. and i think it is time people face the truth.

what started this after hearing the race card pulled out, was a poll shown on www.msnbc.com election night, that showed some 96% of all black voters voted for Obama. this made me scratch my head. you see, all leading up to the election it had been believed that all the white people would vote for McCain, and that would be racist. and yet, polls show that many white people actually voted for Obama, right along with the extremely high percentage of black people.

the next piece was an audio clip done by the Howard Stern Show (of which i do not support, but we cannot overlook evidence). one of their reporters went out to Harlem and asked black people who they voted for. upon them saying Obama, the reporter than asked them what they thought of Obama's policies, but in reality was attributing McCain's policies to Obama. every person they asked agreed with the policies stated and attributed to Obama, including VP candidate Sarah Palin (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iCipmnYCKB0). unfortunately they found a black man who voted for McCain, and they pulled the same thing with him and got identical results. i point this out (both sides) to say this, many people voted without a clue as to what the candidate stood for. you cannot honestly sit here and tell me that 96% of black voters voted for Obama simply because of where he stood on the issues. i dont buy it. it seems clear to me that race had a large part in this.

unfortunately, no one in the media has the guts to address this. so i will probably be labeled a racist with anyone else who points this out. and this brings me to the last straw for me. yesterday the Chicago Tribune had an article that was for black men who wanted to follow in Obama's footsteps. now, lets be honest. if a white person wrote something like this in relation to McCain, it would be labeled racist. but is this really all that different? honestly, racism flies on both sides of the table. i have to be honest and say, i see a lot of racism on the side of black people with this election. i do not say that out of hatred, but frustration. is it on the white side? YEAH! i admit that. you cannot tell me that all the people in the south voted for McCain simply because of where he stands on issues. i dont buy that either!

the point is, racism is evident on both sides, yet it is always the white people who get accused of it. and i am disgusted by that. it is time people face the truth, and we all start to change for the better. blacks and whites. i come from a family who on one side is racist, unfortunately. i have grown up around it my entire life. and it is by the grace of God that i have been able to not follow that path of hatred based on a few genetic differences. but people, lets not be blind. this election, race had a lot to do with it despite what we heard before hand. it makes me wonder, what would it have been like if McCain was black, and Obama white?

*****now, to those who think i am being mean: i love you. again, i am no way stating that one candidate is better than the other. i am a firm believer in Romans 13, and will support the leadership position given to Obama and be respectful of him. to those whom this makes upset, or those who think i am picking on black people, stop right there. if things would be completely opposite, i would have written the same thing against the white population. truth is not based on color or situations. truth is truth regardless.******

It's Official

2008-10-27T13:37:00.000-07:00

On Saturday, October 19th, 2008 i made the biggest purchase of my life to date. and with this purchase soon followed a question. it had played through my mind time and time again, and here i was finally ready to ask it. God provided that night in a way that amazes me. i would have never been able to make the purchase had it not been for His provision financially. and, as much as i had rehearsed the question and played the event in my mind, my nervousness would have held me had it not been for the peace of God.

after Amanda went on a scavenger hunt and found her prize, i got sat her on the bed in her room and knelt down on one knee. i proceeded to ask the big question, and after i got her name out she stopped me.

she did not stop me because she was saying no. rather, she wanted me to sit on the bed with her, so i climbed onto the bed. holding her in my arms, i said "Amanda Jane Ingram, will you marry me?"

obviously she said yes, and after i put the new ring on her hand she ran downstairs to show my mom and everyone else.

we have a date set for those wondering, but it is not for a while. to those who congratulated us, thank you for your kind words. we are looking forward to growing together, and seeing what God has in store for us!

Jesus IS my friend

2008-10-03T08:45:00.000-07:00

i just have to share this. it blows my mind.....

the beauty of GRACE

2008-09-29T16:55:00.001-07:00

you ever read something so profound, you get a knot in your stomach? it happens to me when something just really grips me. i feel cornered, convicted and humbled...often times against my will. it is good.

i have a knot that i want to share. call it a confession. i started reading Galatians again tonight. honestly, it has been some time since i have spent serious time in the New Testament, and i have felt disconnected in a sense from Jesus and His teachings. wondering which writing i should focus on, i felt lead to Galatians. and i started reading.

iv only gotten through part of chapter three, and i had to stop and write. this knot just keeps growing. you know the kind that is so great, you cant help but bend forward and make it even more felt within you?

lets start at the beginning, where the knot started to form. its in the first chapter, right after paul greets his recipients of his letter. check this out:

8But even if we or an angel from heaven should preach a gospel other than the one we preached to you, let him be eternally condemned!

i was frozen for a few minutes here. the boldness of paul here grips my very heart. you know that feeling when you read something again, and it is like brand new? that is the feeling, coupled with conviction and humbleness. see, paul does not just stop at man here, but he takes it to another level, that of angels. this is serious stuff paul is talking about......the preaching of the Gospel of Jesus Christ.

it makes me stop and think, what kind of Gospel do i preach? would it line up with paul? more importantly, would it line up with Christ?

and see, when we jump farther in we find paul is not just talking about words here....he is talking about how we live. later in chapter two we find paul speaking of his issue with peter. we learn that peter, when with the other jews, acted differently around the gentile believers than he did when the jews were not present. paul in turn it says, "11...opposed him to his face, because he was clearly in the wrong." im just lost for words, it feels like.

take this situation with peter that paul addresses, and jump back to where we began. paul goes on in verse ten of chapter one to ask the question of who we try to gain approval of? is it men, or of God? there is a convicting question!

here is another way to ask it.....
how often do we water down the Gospel of Jesus Christ as to not offend anyone?
how often do we let the fear of rejection or criticism stop us from speaking the truth?

and again, this goes farther than just words. how often do we do this with our actions? maybe we dont pray before we eat when we go out, simply because someone might point and laugh. but then in church on Sunday we are all about the prayer team.

you see what paul is saying? paul in his boldness eternally condemns anyone, man or angel, who preaches anything other than the Gospel of Jesus Christ. and i would go as far as to say paul does not limit this to just words. that is convicting.

but it does not stop there for me, this is just where the knot begins. after he tells of the situation with peter, he goes into this lengthy declaration of the point of grace. there is so much in here that just yanks at my heart, but one part specifically convicts me.

21...for if righteousness could be gained through the law, Christ died for nothing!

ask yourself this question with me:
how often do we set up boundaries in our lives to keep us from falling, and find they tend to fail more than work?

this is the question i was faced with when i read this passage from Galatians chapter two. let me say this though before i move on, i am not against setting up boundaries in our lives to help keep us from falling; in fact, i believe Scripturally it is commanded of us.

but here is the danger i was confronted with tonight, and ultimately convicted of. we often set up these boundaries to help keep us safe, and intentionally or not, end up relying on them to save us. and then when they dont, we find ourselves in a state of confusion and depression.

how foolish to place our trust in these laws! paul makes a point that is so simple, yet so profound! if we were meant to find righteousness through laws, what would be the point of Jesus Christ stepping into His creation from heaven, to die on a cross? there would be no point!!!! paul further drives this point home clearly in the following chapter when he says,

11Clearly no one is justified before God by the law...

the law, our boundaries we put up, they are not what save us. it is what Christ Jesus did for us on the cross; and only by faith in what He did. there is nothing we can do to ever save ourselves. no amount of effort, no skill. it is only by faith in the death, burial and resurrection of the Lord Jesus Christ that can save us. it is grace from God, not the law. this is why paul also said,

16...know that a man is not justified by observing the law, but by faith in Jesus Christ.

for if this were not true, "Christ died for nothing!"

do you seek?

2008-09-24T14:40:00.001-07:00

a thought i have had in light of a conversation with an old friend about understanding things in this world.

Proverbs 1:7 says this:

The fear of the LORD is the beginning of knowledge...

Proverbs 2:6 says this:

For the LORD gives wisdom, and from His mouth come knowledge and understanding.

we naturally want to understand things. it is clear where understanding comes from and how we can attain it in our own lives.

so here is my thought. how can we expect to gain understanding when we consciously chose to walk in our own ways?

we go looking for understanding often times in the wrong places, and seem shocked, upset and angry with God when we come back empty handed. and yet is it any wonder we have nothing to show for our efforts?

if we want true understanding, we must seek the One from which all understanding originates from. we must be willing to humbly submit ourselves before Him, and follow His ways. any other way is foolish.

and what of those times God withholds understanding? this is where faith comes in. faith that God is in control of all things, even when it seems He is not. let us keep in mind we only see the brush strokes, where as God sees the painting in its entirety.

i will end with this. i cannot recall any instance in Scripture, or my life or the lives of those around me where God granted wisdom and understanding unless the individual was seeking after God with all of their being, striving to walk in His path.

so my question is this. you who seek understanding, who's path are you following?

your own, or God's?

lizards

2008-09-16T09:07:00.001-07:00

something has been bugging me for the last few days. something i read, a thought that was injected into my mind. provocative, yet humbling simultaneously. it came while reading one of C.S. Lewis' writings. i have become hooked on them and have recently checked out three new ones. this thought comes from the one i finished a few days ago, called "The Great Divorce".

it is about the differences of Heaven and Hell, their realness and disunity. great read, i might add.

there is this part towards the end where the person observing that which happens around him is talking with a great theologian of the past, and during the course of their discussion and walking about they witness many others being challenged by angels to chose life. one particular instance sticks with me. there was a man he witnessed who had a great lizard on his neck, whispering things to him. this man was yelling at the lizard to keep quiet, and an angel then offered to make it quiet for him. the man, wanting the lizard to be quiet accepted the angels offer. and then the angel asked if he should kill it now. at this the man became alarmed, for he did not understand the angel would kill it. through the discourse that took place between the angel and the man, the angel finally convinced the man that though it would hurt the man some, the lizard would be silenced and the man would have true life. the lizard, who whispered into the mans ear, deceiving him of the truth.

the man gave in, and the angel clasped its hand around the lizard and it burned up, causing the man great agony. and then, the lizard fell to the ground, losing its grip on the man.

but it did not stop there. the lizard, though dead, squirmed on the ground and became a great stallion. the man climbed upon this stallion and then rode him off into the great Mountains where the Sun rises.

interesting. convicting. humbling.

just a few thoughts of mine after i read and pondered this part. fiction, yet with a great truth. it is only when we let our lizards, the wrong influences and habits in our life die, that we become truely who we are meant to be.

i have some lizards in my life. i think we all do. one might say, "of course we do! we are human after all!" very true, but Scripture is clear that this is no excuse to continue living in sin.

and here i must admit i am preaching to myself.

it is as if God is not letting this idea leave me, and i know why. i have lizards i need to deal with. lizards that need to die. lizards that have taken a hold of me simply because i have allowed them to.

think of this:

...do not give the devil a foothold.
Ephesians 4:27

it was my choice to give these lizards a place around my neck, and yet i am commanded not to do so.

now look at this:

You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.
Ephesians 4:22-24

this is what we need to be doing, what i need to do. let those lizards die, and become what i was created to be....a son of God.

it is not easy, il admit that. it is real easy to just say something like this, it is another to live it out. but that is what i am called to do as a son.

and yet i cannot do it on my own......there is no victory down that road, onyl deception and failure. it is only through submission to the power of the Holy Spirit that sin may be conquered.

and dead falls a lizard.

if there is one thing i have learned, it is that Satan is an expert at making a lie appear as truth. and how will we know the difference if we do not know the Truth? if we want to conquer sin we must realize that WE cannot. it is just like changing people, WE dont do the changing. it is the Holy Spirit that does this. the same is true when it comes to conquering sin in our lives. it is through complete surrender to the Will of God and the Holy Spirit, letting it invade every part of our lives and do some house cleaning.

i once heard it illustrated in this fashion in a book i read about purity. our bodies are like a house, and it is filled with rooms, all with doors. we have to take down the barricades holding those doors shut willingly, and let Christ walk through and do what He wishes. we have to submit to God our wills, desires, everything, if we truely want to get rid of the sin in our lives.

and here is the tricky part, it doesnt end here. we live in a world saturated with sin, and because of this we must be constantly surrendering ourselves to His command.

the bottom line is there is no other way to successfully take down sin in our lives. all the other ways are filled with more lies, pain and failure.

i want success. i want joy. i want peace knowing i am in right communion with God.

i want dead lizards.

silly liberals

2008-09-14T13:29:00.000-07:00

so i found this article link today, and i had to laugh as i read it. it has to do with gun control.

now, i openly admit i am 100% supportive of the 2nd amendment, and I am anti-gun control in the way liberals describe. read the following article, and i think you will understand.

The Truth - About assault rifles. Those evil assault rifles.
a post written by Shawn McCarthy
Saturday, September 13 at 9:10 PM

Attack of the terrible “assault” rifles.

During Charlie Gibson’s interview with GOP VP candidate Sarah Palin, he asked a question pertaining to so-called “assault” rifles. I am going to show you the question and demonstrate how she SHOULD have answered.

Watch out friends, this is one of the things the dems are going to try if the Obamessiah gets into the White House, with their interpretations of the Constitution as a “living document.”

GIBSON: 70% of Americans support a ban on assault rifles, would you favor such a ban?

What PALIN should have said:

Well, Charlie, I wonder what you mean by “assault rifle.” Traditional assault weapons are weapons that can be fired on either semi-automatic or fully automatic and have a selector switch to pick between the two options. Oh, am I loosing you already, ok I will explain the differences,

You see, Charlie, a fully automatic weapon is one where you pull the trigger and the weapons fires until its ammunition supply is exhausted. These weapons are excessively regulated already by the United States government. Is that what you mean by “assault rifle?” Well, Charlie, if it is, I must say that I do not support banning them. Why? Well, research would show. . . What?

I am loosing you again?

You need me to explain “research?” Ok Charlie, research is something REAL journalists and citizens who wish to exercise their right to vote responsibly engage in prior to casting their vote or asking dumb-ass questions. . . What? No Charlie, I am not explaining “responsibly.” You will have to look that up yourself later.

So let’s pretend you were a real journalist and you did your research. You would find that assault weapons, the fully automatic kind, are almost never used in crimes. In fact, in the last 50 years, an American Civilian has NEVER used a legally owned fully automatic “assault” weapon in a crime. As it stands, civilians who wish to own a fully automatic weapon must apply for a pricey license from the Department of Treasury and then pay very high prices for the weapon itself, since importation and manufacture of automatic weapons for civilian use have been prohibited since 1986. As you can imagine, Charlie, that drives the prices up a tad.

So Charlie, is that what you mean by the question? Well I sure cannot see much of a need for a ban on a weapon that is never used in crimes and is already prohibited from importation and manufacture. Can you, Charlie?

Or did you mean a broader definition of “assault” rifle? Maybe you meant weapons which were banned by the Clinton “assault” weapons ban in the 90s? Is that what you mean, Charlie?

Well, let’s look at the characteristics which made a weapon scary enough to be banned by Clinton. The weapons covered in the Clinton ban were semi-automatic weapons cap- oh, sorry Charlie, semi-automatic means you pull the trigger once, and one bullet comes out of the barrel.

You keeping up with me Charlie?

So as I was saying, the Clinton ban covered semi-automatic weapons capable of taking a detachable magazine that also contained two or more of the following features:

-A folding or telescoping stock

-A pistol grip

-A bayonet mount

-A flash suppressor, or threads to attach one

-A grenade launcher.

I know Charlie, those things do sound scary. Well, stop wetting yourself and slow your breathing and I will explain each one of them for you.

-The folding or telescopic stock simply reduces the weight of the rifle and makes it adjustable for people of different sizes. In a way it promotes diversity.

-The pistol grip is simply a place to rest your hand when firing the gun, and on some guns it offers extra means of stabilizing the rifle while you are shooting it.

-The bayonet mount is the means for attaching a bayonet, which is sometimes simply a knife, to the end of the rifle. I know Charlie, knifes are also scary, but rest assured that most people don’t ever attach bayonets to their rifles because it can hurt their accuracy when they are shooting. The bayonet mounts are just on a lot of rifles because many of the rifles we buy are military rifles from other countries that aren’t being used anymore; its kind of like recycling. The people just leave the mounts on for cosmetic reasons, or simply because it is more of a pain in the butt to take them off. I do understand your concerns of the dangers of bayonets though, we would hate to have a break-out of mass bayonetings.

-A flash suppressor is a device which minimizes the bright stuff that comes out of the end of a barrel when you shoot a gun. These are useful for military snipers or marksmen engaging from a distance who do not want to give away their position. They are usually just left on imported rifles like the bayonet mounts. Sometimes they are combined with compensators which make the rifle’s recoil easier to control.

-Grenade launchers are also very scary. Yes, you can hug me while I talk to you about them. It’s ok Charlie, it will be fine, no one is going to hurt you. The grenade launchers that are sometimes found on rifles are for special grenades which would be attached to the end of the rifle, then set off by a special round which does not actually fire a bullet but just creates enough gas to propel the grenade. These launchers entail nothing more than an attachment on the end of the barrel and a switch to redirect the gas generated by the spent round to the grenade. This gas usually pushes the bolt back and chambers the next round for the rifle. These launchers are part of the gas-operating systems of the rifle and would be very difficult to remove. Am I losing you Charlie? Well, rest assured that these launchers have NEVER been used for a crime in the United States. Someone would have to get their hands on the grenades AND the special cartridge to fire the grenade, so I don’t expect that anyone will be using those for liquor store robberies anytime soon.

So, Charlie, you are probably wondering, like many educated Americans did, why President Clinton would want to ban guns for such silly reasons. Well, I have my theories, but I think it was summed up well by an editorial in The Washington Post from September 15, 1994, which states:

“No one should have any illusions about what was accomplished (by the ban). Assault weapons play a part in only a small percentage of crime. The provision is mainly symbolic; its virtue will be if it turns out to be, as hoped, a stepping stone to broader gun control.”

When most people hear the term “assault rifle” they simply think of military-style rifles. Let’s talk about some things military-style rifles have in common, other than scaring the crap out of liberals such as yourself. They tend to be simple to operate, simple to break down and clean, safer to operate, durable, reliable and fairly cheap to shoot (due to mass-produced, inexpensive ammo). They are also generally very difficult to conceal and are often times in weaker calibers than most hunting rifles.

What Charlie, you don’t understand why people would want to own these rifles anyway? Well, some people hunt with them but that is not their main purpose. Most people just like to collect them and shoot them for practice and sport. People collect all different sorts of things Charlie, from cars to baseball cards. Like you Charlie, you collect silly glasses and practice pretentious glances and you like to shoot out condescending and misleading “gotcha!” questions. And let’s not forget, shooting is a competitive sport, and many rifle shooting competitions require far more athleticism than, say, golf or bowling.

And really, Charlie, what does it matter why people want to own them? The beautiful thing about America is that we have the right to collect such things, and our Founding Fathers did not want silly alarmists to be able to prevent us from having them simply because they do understand them.

Let’s go back to some more research. You remember research from a few minutes ago, don’t you Charlie?

-Assault weapons are not the weapons of choice among drug dealers, gang members or criminals in general. In fact, assault weapons are used in about one-fifth of one percent (.20%) of all violent crimes and about one percent in gun crimes.

-It is estimated that roughly one percent of all homicides are committed with assault weapons (rifles of any type are involved in three to four percent of all homicides).

-Between 1992 and 1996 less than 4% of mass murders, committed with guns, involved assault weapons. (Our deadliest mass murders have either involved arson or bombs.)

-There are close to 4 million assault weapons in the U.S., which amounts to roughly 1.7% of the total gun stock.

So, Charlie, back to your question. I wonder what was meant by the term “assault rifle.” How was it explained to the 70% of Americans who were polled and said they favored a ban? Was it explained at all? You see, as we have demonstrated, many Americans are ignorant about guns and are therefore easily swayed by scary words like “assault” and “bang.” I wonder if the person doing the poll spoke in a deep, scary voice when he said the word “assault.” Ass-ault! Don’t cry Charlie, stop shaking. See, fear-mongering from the left about guns can elicit a very emotional response from Americans who may mean well but just don’t know better.

Now that we have addressed the silliness of the assault weapons ban and the scare tactics employed by the left, I would like to point out something about our opponent in this race, Senator Obama.

Now, during his speech to the swooning masses at the DNC he said that there was no reason we cannot uphold the 2nd Amendment while keeping AK-47s out of the hands drug dealers. Aside from the fact that, despite Hollywood’s depictions, drug dealers do not commonly use AK-47s, Obama’s statement was more than a little disingenuous. In a “Political Courage” survey on candidates’ positions, Obama said he supports a “Ban on the sale or transfer of all forms of semi-automatic weapons.” The survey is available for all to see on votesmart.org. Notice how it says “weapons” and not “rifles.” This could potentially include the pistols and even some revolvers that many law-abiding Americans use to protect themselves and their families. Now I do not know what Senator Obama thinks, but that does not sound like “upholding the 2nd Amendment,” does it, Charlie?

Even more of a threat to our liberties is the Assault Weapons Ban and Law Enforcement Protection Act of 2007 or H.R. 1022. It was introduced last year and cosponsored by 66 democrats (and not a single republican). This fascist bill would not only ban all the weapons covered by the ridiculous Clinton ban, but it would add to that millions of guns which were modified to be in compliance with that ban.

This 2007 bill would ban:

- Common sporting rifles like the Ruger Mini 14 and Mini 30.

- All fixed-magazine, centerfire rifles which hold more that 10 rounds.

- All semi-automatic shotguns, which are widely used in trap shooting and hunting.

- All detachable-magazine semi-automatic rifles-including, for example, the ubiquitous Ruger 10/22 .22 rimfire.

- The three centerfire rifles most popular for marksmanship competitions: the Colt AR-15, the Springfield M1A and the M1 “Garand.”

Fortunately this bill died, and even if it had not, President Bush would have vetoed it. But I assure you, friends, that if Obama ends up in office the democrats will try again. They will not rest until they have implemented oppressive gun laws depriving Americans of their right to hunt, sport-shoot and defend themselves. They want American gun laws to rival those of Europe.

Do you think such oppressive gun laws are a good idea, Charlie? I can think of a few people who thought that total gun control was a good idea. Hitler, Stalin, Mussolini and Castro come to mind. Now Senator Obama can add his name to that list.

We gun owners have a saying, “If you outlaw guns, only outlaws will have guns.”

Assault weapons, and legally owned guns in general, are not a danger to Americans. Those scary features that frighten the ignorant about “assault” rifles do not make them more of a threat to law-abiding Americans. That is, unless you were to try and ban them. Then all those features may be a problem when you come and try to take our guns from us.

We gun owners have another saying. “You can have my guns, when you pry them from my cold, dead hands.”

That’s what I think about your poll, Charlie.

a life worth living for

2008-09-13T11:10:00.000-07:00

about a week ago i realized at a deeper level that to simply want to follow after God and understand Him better is not good enough. i have to pursue it, i have to take action. and so i decided to start a study of Proverbs, and seek to understand better how to pursue God and live a life of wisdom and passion for Him.

it has been good. i am through the first two chapters and i feel heavy. because, i look back at my life and i realize i chose to miss the boat. i had the truth, and for whatever reason i chose to scoot it to the side in pursuit of myself.

so here i am now at the beginning of chapter three, and a thought jumped into my mind after reading verses one and two again:

My son, do not forget my teaching, but keep my commands in your heart, for they will prolong your life many years and bring you prosperity.

my mind jumps to a chapel that was done last week by one of Moody's past presidents, in which he spoke of aging well. he spoke of how he was on this talk show with a Catholic priest and a Jewish rabbi, and he was looked to for answering the main question. and it was this, that a resent poll done showed that those devout in their faith lived longer and healthier lives than those who were not devout. the host didnt buy it and wanted an answer.

the point that the past president made in his speech was basically this, that the key to longer, fuller, more meaningful life is devoutly and passionatly seeking after God and His Will, His commands.

i have to stop here. i want a longer, more meaningful life. if i am honest, i want to be prosperous. not financially nesicarily, but just in general. and i have noticed something looking back at my short life. the more i try to live this life after myself, the less prosperous i am and the more i hurt.

God lays it out clearly for us. apart from Him we find no rest. we find ultimate failure, a life that is pointless. but with Him, we find purpose. under His wings we find true joy, everlasting life, and prosperity in ways never thought of.

i want this. not for my benefit, but for those in my life. i have fallen a lot in life, and im sick of getting scrapped knees and bruised elbows. im sick of being in self-brought pain and failure. im sick of giving Satan a place in my life.

i want a life that is rich with God, and not just for myself. i want it for those in my life, for my future wife and family. for my friends. i want it for their sake. because lets face it, when we live for ourselves we do not just hurt ourselves.

words and elevators

2008-09-13T10:34:00.001-07:00

i must be honest. the maturity level of many of the male students here at Moody Bible Institute simply amazes me. and I'm not talking about the freshman who just came from high school. I'm talking about the students who have been here for more than a year.

today, i heard several words that i would never had expected to hear from a Moody student, and they were said flippantly. now, i understand we all make mistakes, and with that note i recognize my imperfections. but when we do something or say something willingly, knowing the truth.....that bugs me. referring to one of your brothers in Christ as sexual cleaning utensil i think says a lot about your character.

but it doesn't stop there. lets talk about elevators, which is where the above incident happened. the elevators in our building stop at all floors between the basement and the 19th floor. it seems that there is this mentality between those of floors 5 and higher that they are more special then the rest of us when it comes to using the elevator.

and because of this superiority, they feel they have the right to ridicule and judge and name call those of us on floors 3 and 4 when we use the elevator. and this is what i have to say. if i can use the stairs, you can also. if me using the elevator makes it slower, does you using it not? i struggle to see the logic in this. why cant you walk to the 4th floor and use the elevator from there?

here is my point. they made the elevator stop at ALL the floors, not just 5 and up. so i and my floor mates have just as much right to its use as those on 5 and up. not to mention, i do pay to live here just like those on 5 and up. so grow up, act your age, and stop crying. stop name calling. we are not in junior high, we are adults. more than that WE ARE TO BE MEN OF GOD.

can we show a little more maturity?

brush strokes of life

2008-09-08T12:42:00.000-07:00

today in one of my classes, we discussed the reason behind things happening in relation to who God is. it was quite fascinating really. my professor used the analogy of a large scale painting. when you stand back, you can take in the entire painting and see it in all of its beauty and glory, its perfection. but if you stand right in front of it, as if with your face against it, you see all the little brush strokes and splatters of paint within that little space. it is not beautiful, it does not seem good or perfect.

this is how we as humans look at things. we see the little brush strokes here and there, the splatters of paint. and to us it is confusing, almost ugly. but God in all of His awesome glory is standing out from the painting and looking upon it, taking it all in. His plan, divinely laid out, beautiful......perfect.

it reminds me of something i read in C.S. Lewis' book, "A Grief Observed" where he speaks of understanding his wife's death. and you know what he concluded? it is beyond his understanding.

When I lay these questions before God I get no answer. But a rather special sort of 'No answer.' It is not the locked door. It is more like a silent, certainly not uncompassionate, gaze. As though He shook His head not in refusal but waiving the question. Like, 'Peace, child; you don't understand.'

see, Lewis was confused and troubled by his wife's death, because all he was seeing was the brush strokes in the great painting. this is life, as my professor pointed out. this is us when tragedy strikes our lives. and then we think of Romans 8:28. see, Paul is speaking here of the grand painting. the perfect masterpiece, God's divine plan.

this hits home for me, especially lately, with some things not going the way i would have liked them to. nothing life threatening, but frustrating. and here i am reminded that i am not seeing the big picture, but the small brush strokes. but in the end, it will all work together for the good of those who love HIM.

the creative Lover

2008-09-03T13:39:00.000-07:00

iv been reading this one book for one of my classes, and it deals with world view. it is a good book really. and last night i started on the second part in which the author discusses creation. perhaps i should back up and point out that the kind of world view he discusses is that of the Christian.

anyways, so i am reading, and reading, and reading......about creation. and im thinking, dude, creation is great and i believe it and all, can we move on? he continues to go into detail with the diversity of creation, throwing in a few rhymes that entertained me. but man was i getting tired of reading about creation.

and then i read this one part.

the author starts talking about the creativity of God the Father, and how we see it in creation. how He just thought of something and it came into being. and in this, we find love. a great love that has no end.

a ceaseless, creative love. i never thought of creation in this way, nor God. God and love, of course. but a creative love? wow. there is this part in the book where the author talks about how things constructed are not loved before they are constructed, but something that is created is.

something that is created is loved long before it is created.

it gives the idea of passion and care, not just a project. that is us, you and i. that is what we find around us, the trees and mountains, the animals and people. God has a crazy love for us, and it is creative not dull. it is passionate, not hasty. it reminds me of the Psalms, where it says "How precious to me are Your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them!" (139:17). we are talking about the God of all eternity, and He is crazy about us. He created us with a creative love, and we see that in the diversity of us all. each person is unique, different from anyone else.

so next time you think about creation, next time you think about the Creator, remember He is first of all crazy about you. and secondly, he is a creative lover of His creation.

Coming alive, yet unworthy

2008-08-29T18:03:00.001-07:00

iv been listening to a song by jeremy camp. it is called beyond measure, and it is beautiful. there is a line that he sings that says this,

"i come alive, when i've broken down and given You control"

this hit me this time listening. he also says this.

"but i know i wont find any worth apart from You"

think about that. he is not talking about another human, a person in his life here on earth. he is speaking of someone much greater than all this around us. the one true God. i have come to a recent conclusion that God is in the process of once again breaking me down and showing me that i am nothing without Him.

and here, one of my favorite songs plays when i need it most. pointing a truth out to me i have in the past failed to recognize. on my own, i am truly dead. but when i break, when i give this life up to the One who created it i come alive. i find purpose. a purpose that was given to me before i was shaped within my mother's womb.

another song plays where he sings,

"i am nothing without Your love"

how true, and what a reminder. i am nothing apart from Christ. and His death completes me, should i accept it. and i have. now, i must live it out.

Weeping Truth

2008-08-29T07:05:00.000-07:00

a thought hit me this morning. it is simple i think, yet profound. i was siting in one of my classes this morning, and we were talking about issues that are facing our world today. abortion, social justice, etc......and we were asked to rank them by importance. we talked about the complexity and simplicity of issues. and Jesus.

and a thought hit me.

would i weep at a simple truth told to me by Jesus?

if Jesus were to look at me and speak a word of simple truth, would i break?

or would i go "huh, good point" and move on with my life as if i already knew it and just forgot until He said something? i realized this morning this is the attitude i often times have. and at the thought of the Lord of all that ever was, is and will be, telling me a simple truth my stomach turned. i pictured myself weeping like i never have in my life.

so i have to wonder, do we really know the truth about the issues? the simple truths? or do we make it all complex and then act like we have it all figured out, when really we are way off the mark?

would you weep at a simple truth?

Joy in the Toil

2008-08-25T19:30:00.000-07:00

i stumbled upon a passage of Scripture this afternoon that has not let me go. the reason for this is simply because of the practicality of it in my life. today began a new school year, and as most people know about me, school is not my idea of enjoyment. sitting in classes all day, doing endless work for a letter ranging from an A to an F.....like i said, not my idea of fun. and thus, i am hooked on a passage of Ecclesiastes.

please, dont stop here.

grab a Bible and go read it yourself. start in chapter two, verse 17 and read through the end of the chapter. throughout this passage the writer, Solomon, speaks of toil, work, and how pointless it is. i have to admit, this is often the attitude i take with schooling. i love to learn, but i hate the work of school. but there is something Solomon points out towards the end, that i think we all need to be reminded of.

joy will only be found when we please God.

not just your normal, buy a new car joy, but a joy that is lasting and fulfilling.

see, one of the reasons Solomon began to despair over his toil was that he was more focused on himself. he was more concerned with what would happen to all of his efforts after he was gone, that they would all be taken by those who did nothing to gain them. this i believe is often the same mentality we have, more concerned with ourselves and our achievements. more concerned with those around us, and what they might do with our achievements. more concerned with the relevancy of what we study to what we will do in life.

here is our down fall.

and then, Solomon speaks some light. he points out in verse 25 that without God man cannot find enjoyment. that, without God, man will never find true joy. for it is, as he points out in the following verse, only found by pleasing God.

ah, the key.

joy is not found in the work itself, but in pleasing God by being faithful in our work.

after all, we are all going to die one day. it will all be forgotten here on the earth. but God remembers our faithfulness. God gives joy to those who please Him.

let us keep working with the true goal in mind.

A Trip of Life

2008-07-19T10:25:00.000-07:00

my mind has been churning for a few weeks now. it has also been a while since i have written something. it is obvious to me now as i type, and my fingers struggle to find the right keys. but now i have something to write. something that has been churning i my mind and my heart for the last few weeks, and i now feel has become something worth writing.

a few weeks ago i spent a bit of time in a hospital. it was not for my sake, so i thought. nothing was wrong with my body, i was not there to receive treatment for anything. instead i was there with Amanda while her sister had surgery. but on one of the days we were there i saw something that i kept to myself, something that almost brought me to tears, and still does.

we think of bikers as big and tough, or at least i do. but on this day, as i stepped closer to the elevator to ride up to the room, i passed an older man dressed to ride a bike, long beard and mustache, wiping tears from his eyes. it was subtle, like a little prick of a small needle. like time froze and i heard a whisper. God was showing me something here, and He has to this day not left me alone about it.

i dont know what this man was crying over that day, but at that point i realized something i had never realized before. we as a people have hospitals for what? to cure and fix. but despite all our efforts and victories to make ourselves better, we will always be broken. we will always come to an end. it is part of our fall, part of being finite.

within the walls of hospitals we find life and death, victories and failures. but this is not the only thing i believe God was showing me, but a bridge to His point. a reminder of His calling in my life, if you will. no, He has not called me to be a doctor or work in a hospital, but He has called me to work with His people, and His creation. He has charged me with carrying forth a message of life to those who are broken and dieing.

see, we humans seem to have this idea that we can fix anything. that we can find a cure to fix us all. i see different. there is something about us, our brokenness that cannot and will never be fixed by anything we do. this is the point. since the fall of Adam and Eve in the garden, we have tried to find that cure, and God is telling us no. not that it cannot be found, but that it can not be found or achieved within us, by our own doing. our brokenness, our disease that all man carries can only be curred by Him, through His gift to us......Jesus. there is no other way, no other religion or person, except Jesus Christ.

this is the cure you will not find in a hospital. it is funny it took God getting me some 650 miles out of my comfort zone to open my eyes to this. that there is no amount of Bible reading or prayer or fellowship or anything else that can cure this sickness. though they help strengthen us, they are not the cure. i have to admit that this is what i have been wrestling with in my life as of late. and i feel God reminding me that it is not these things i should rely on to get me through, but Jesus Himself. it is not my prayers or my devotions that save me, it is He. and in realizing this fact, i must pursue these habits to grow stronger.

it has taken a few weeks; even now as i write this, things are coming together in my head. it is an issue of faith, one of trust. upon whom does my heart lie? myself, the things of this world? because if this is the case, my heart tells me i will find no peace, no true rest........no cure. but we have been offered something great, by one who Himself is the greatest. a gift that cures all brokenness. will you accept it?

will you take a trip of Life?

or maybe you are like me, you have taken the gift. maybe you are like me, and you have found yourself needing to re-examine where your heart lies. let us not put that off. for the longer we do so, the greater the distance becomes between us and He whom we should rest upon. this my friends, is a great tragedy i do not want to be a part of. let us take what we know in our heads, and place it in our hearts as well. let us take what we know in our hearts, and live it out amongst those who do and do not.

will you join me on this journey?

in Christ

2008-06-25T11:33:00.000-07:00

i am sick today. i have been fighting a cold for the last few days, and last night it took me down. but i see the light. because of it though, i missed work today. and i miss it. it is funny, as frustrating as some of the campers can be, i still love them. as much as at some times i wish i could just strangle them (let's be honest here), deep down i want to see them live, grow and learn.

i dont feel i have really had the chance to reflect on this summer as of yet. and here i find that chance. i love it.sure, i dont enjoy getting up at the crack of dawn and driving through peoria traffic every day, but when i step back and look at the big picture i smile. i really do love it.

and the kids. wow. you know how they say kids love stories???? do they ever. i can have a rowdy bunch of kids who wont listen, and as soon as i start telling a Bible story, 9 out of 10 are listening quietly. and they want more. i cant tell you how many opportunities i have had in the last four weeks to talk with campers about Jesus, the Bible and God. they want it, and a lot of them are jumping at the bit for it.

yesterday i started something new with the oldest group, and i think it fits nicely. they are the Romans, named after the book in the Bible. i began reading every morning and every afternoon before camp ended with reading Romans 12. i took the idea from my friend Eric Potter who i worked with last summer at a church, and we did it with the high school students. it is fitting i think, to remind ourselves of what we are called to do, and who we are called to be.

i am excited for the rest of this summer, i really am. i have a few more weeks left to go, with a few off coming up. but one last thought. something that i have been chewing on the last 24 hours or so.

should we not all begin our days with reading something like Romans 12? a specific reminder to us each of what we are to be and do. not to neglect the rest of God's Word, but to include it in our regular devotions of the day. let us not forget who we are called to be and what we are capable of becoming in Christ.

An Impression

2008-06-09T17:19:00.000-07:00

last night i spent some time in the book of Daniel. i have spent a lot of time in there this past year, and i intend to spend much more time there in the days to come.

i have said much about Daniel in several posts, but last night something stuck out to me i never noticed before.....something i find curious. i do not have an answer in stone to my question, but i have some thoughts i wish to share.

Among these were some from Judah: Daniel, Hananiah, Mishael and Azeriah.
Daniel 1:6

the part before this tells how king Neb captured several Israelites, and brought them back to his kingdom in Babylon. but some men were brought to be trained and serve in the court of the king.

do you see what caught my eye? i find it interesting that out of what must have been more than just a hand-full of men, only four are mentioned by name.

but why? the Scripture does not elaborate on this. but i have been thinking. thinking about all of the other times people are mentioned by name in Scripture compared to this time. and my mind rests on this: they stood out.

Daniel and his friends, who some might know better as Rack, Shack and Benny, made an impression that could not be over looked. they made an impression by following God. but more than this, by using the gifts God granted them. look at this.....

The king talked with them, and he found none more equal to Daniel, Hananiah, Mishael and Azeriah.
Daniel 1:19a

out of all the men trained to serve in his court, the king found none that compared to these four. and because of this they were granted much favor by the king.

i have to stop and think. if i were in a group of people and someone wrote a book about them, would my name be mentioned? more than that, would it be in a positive light? would i stand out in the crowd as a light to God?

would i make an impression?

Daniel and his friends did. they had rock solid character.....unshakable integrity.

do we have that?

redemption refreshing

2008-05-30T21:03:00.000-07:00

it is late. i haven't been here in a while, and iv been missing it. there is so much that has been going on.

a gap i sense is closing. one between me and a friend. but not just any friend, one who i need more than anything else. He is bigger than any support group, smarter and wiser than any wise man, more loving than a mother or father.

God.

Abba Father.

over the last month or so i have noticed a gap between me and Him growing. not by His doing, but mine. it has been said before, and i agree, that as Christians we are never standing still. we are either moving forward or backwards.

forwards, or backwards.

there is no middle ground, no "safe zone". this sucks. no breaks it seems, at least for me. yet, there is a break, so it seems. the rest we gain from being completely consumed in His love. perhaps this does not make perfect sense here, i apologize. if only you could step into my mind.

tonight was my second of training for camp, and at the end we had a time of worship. i noticed at one point the drummer wipe a tear from his face. there was a song we sang, and before we sang the words laid on the screen. i read them, and i thought of God, giant before the earth, standing in a void consumed with His light. and in His hand was eternity. the master of all things, creator of Heaven and earth, Lord over all. this is the God i serve, and the God my heart longs for.

a great God.

i think of His love, and how He still calls me back to His side despite my screw-ups.

never changing, never ending.
His light will shine when all else fails.

i think of the times as of late when it seems like i was walking alone, feeling abandoned. there were people there, loved ones by my side. but there is a place in all of us that no one but God can fill......and it felt void of something. but in reality, it was not void, but filled. my God never departed from my side, but i from His. i turned my back, and He sought after me to return to Him.

this is a God of love, a God who never changes, but is constant. a God of love, mercy and grace, but also of Holy wrath, jealous of what is His, righteous in all that He does.

i have fallen....many times. and i stand back up again. i turn to Him. and with a weeping heart i reach.

knowing, a loving hand will grasp mine.

another end with a new beginning

2008-05-02T10:09:00.001-07:00

today marks my last time in the house i have been living in for the past 8 months or so. it was my last day to ride Spokane Transite, and the last time to walk these streets. at least for a while. i know il be back, because i really do love it here. i couldnt live here, but i could visit.

the family here has been a blessing and a curse (sorry, mainly a curse). but the friends i have made here will carry through a life time. the time i have had to spend with Chris and Cathy, and their boys Drew and Caleb are memories that will last a life time. being a part of their life for almost a year has been amazing!

i love the kids, i love Chris and Cathy. i cannot wait to come back out and see them again when they are older! and Journey Fellowship has been an amazingly encouraging family away from home to me. i will truely miss these things, and will hold onto the memories that have been made.

but with an end comes a new beginning. thus is the wonderful circle of life! monday afternoon i will be boarding a plane to leave Spokane, Washington and head home to Peoria, Illinois. there waiting for me will be my mother, and the most amazing woman in my life, Amanda. i cannot even begin to describe how excited i am to get off the plane and see her!!!!

this summer is going to be packed. tuesday, i head to Moody in Chi-town for the day, and start working at monicals again on thursday. then the next monday Amanda and i head for her house in Kansas for a little bit, with a side trip to John Brown University in Arkansas for her. then we head back home and camp all summer. i am excited for this summer, and looking forward to next school year.

it is weird, i hate school. but next year i will be home for the first time in my college career. being able to come home here and there easy is going to be a huge plus and motivator.

i will miss many things here. REI is just down the road, and back home it is up by Chi-town. i probly wont get mooned by a drunk guy on the bus back home, and i wont get to see the mountains every morning. i will miss my friends here, but this is not the true end. not yet. i have much ahead of me i believe, and i am excited for it. so, here is to the end of something great and a new beginning.

it must be Spring

2008-04-26T14:10:00.001-07:00

it must be that time of year here after all. i have been doubting a lot lately. one minute it is sunny out, the next it is freezing cold with rain or even snow. and yes, it is nearing the end of April like everywhere else in the world.

but, in spite of the ever changing and winter-like weather, i was convinced the other day that Spring has truly arrived.

i was standing next to my window looking outside as i talked to Amanda. and then it happened. something in the corner of my eye caught my attention, there in the trees. i stopped mid-sentence i believe, in shock at what i just witnessed. two birds mating. an interesting thing to observe, i might add.

but there you have it. a declaration Spring has finally, truly sprung. via birds mating.

a Beautiful Redemption

2008-04-19T12:26:00.000-07:00

there is this song that has been playing what seems like more than usual on my computer. it is a song i have heard many times before, and really like. but as of late, i have really noticed the words of the song, particularly at the beginning. i want to share them with you.

I've had my forty days and forty nights at sea
I've had forty years in the wilderness, or so to speak
I've walked with sand from the ocean floor on my feet
To turn and say you left me

I'm a doubting Thomas in needing to believe
I'm a perfumed sinner just like Magdalene
I'm Judas kissing on your cheek eager to deceive
I am all of these

I cry, Father, Father, forgive me
You say, Child, I already have
You are beautiful
Beautiful Redemption

I'm the guilty thief that's hanging by your side
and my shame is dying with your sacrifice
And all my fears come crashing down as I look in your eyes
I see paradise

I cry, Father, Father, forgive me
You say, Child, I already have
You are beautiful
Beautiful Redemption
You are Beautiful
Beautiful Redemption

Hallelujah (we all, we all, we all fall down)
Hallelujah (we all, we all, we all fall down)
Hallelujah (we all, we all, we all fall down)
Hallelujah (we all, we all, we all fall down)

You are beautiful
Beautiful Redemption
You are Beautiful
Beautiful Redemption

the song is called "Beautiful Redemption", by Joy Williams. and i dont know, the words have really been hitting home as of late. perhaps because as i have mentioned before, im just coming out of this valley where it seemed like God wasnt there a lot. and i have seen that it was because of my pushing Him out, that it seemed this way.

here i am reminded, though i am filthy, dirty......even though im a Thomas, a Magdalene, and even a Judas......God still loves me. that never changes, for i am His child now. by the sacrifice of Christ, claimed as my own....i am His. i am a Beautiful Redemption, and He forgives me. His love is real, and i feel it. i see it. it is beautiful.

here is a reminder if you have been like me. doubting, perfumed, kissing, lying.....in Christ you are a Beautiful Redemption. never forget that.

love, hope, victory

2008-04-16T18:01:00.000-07:00

i just got back from hanging out at the park. it is the first time i have gone there, and it is like 2 blocks away from me. i needed to get out, away from this box of a room. i needed to get outside, fresh air, God's creation.

i sat there, and saw a bee. it has been snowing off and on with rain for the last few weeks, and it seems like spring will never get here. but there was a bee.

hope.

of a future, of a victory. something i needed a reminder of. but something else happened. my intention was to sit there and listen to a sermon by rob bell, which i did. i left my cell phone here at the house, which was kinda hard to do honestly. but i sat there and listened to this sermon i had no idea about except for the title, and wow. he talked about Paul wrestling with whether it would be better to die or live and continue to be persecuted. how he dug deep, wrestled with his convictions and beliefs, against his emotions and feelings. he spoke a lot about doubts, and how we have to face them. it seems that, when we do face our doubts, when we do not allow them to just sit there and fester within us, they lose their power over us. this hit me. really hard. recently, if i am completely honest i have found myself doubting things. from the love of my God to the love of my girlfriend. if i am completely honest. so i sat there and thought for a few minutes. i thought of a Psalm i have wrestled with, where the writer gripes about the situation, questioning God's love, and then is reminded and encouraged by His proven track record. so i sat there and did that with my doubts. God has provided what i need without falling short. jobs, money, relationships, you name it. He has been there and still is. His love is real, and He proves it every day. the greatest proof is His gift to me on the cross. i have to ask myself now, how much proof do i need???? and Amanda, wow. her notes, her gifts, her hugs and kisses. her words of encouragement and comfort when i am down or frustrated. her love through forgiveness when i screw up. she has proven her love to me time and time again. so here i say to my doubts, the proof is overwhelming. the love is real, evident, true. there might be times when it seems missing, but it is not.

and rob said something else at the end that hit me as well.

he said something to the effect of, we often times let our emotions drive the bus. wow. i smiled. not a 'haha' smile, but a 'wow, you got me' smile. this has been me. i hate to say it, but my mom has pointed it out to me numerous times. and i have allowed these emotions with my doubt to drive me. it is the emotions brought by the doubt that i believe often cause me to not see the love that is really there. if i would only trust, if i would only look at the evidence, if i would only stand firm in my beliefs and convictions.....maybe i wouldn't hurt so much. maybe if i really let God have control instead of my emotions and doubts, id really find joy in the hard times. maybe i would smile more again. maybe, just maybe i would really see all of the love that surrounds me.

sitting in the park this afternoon, i began to see something i don't think i really have for a while. i am loved, there is hope, there is victory.

if only i ask

2008-04-16T14:19:00.000-07:00

Last night I found myself in a place I have not been for some time. Depression, homesick, lonely, sad and sick all together. I cried last night in a way I have not for some time. My heart desired home, the familiar. It is something I have struggled with for the last several years at different times in my life.

I found myself last night desperately searching for comfort, and picked up my Bible. I just opened it up and landed in the book of Jeremiah, chapter 33, and without much thinking started to read what jumped out at me.

2“This is what the LORD says, he who made the earth, the LORD who formed it and established it – the LORD is his name: 3‘Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know.’”

My mind kept thinking about this all day. How I am so confused and often times don’t know what to say or do. I so often just jump in with my thoughts, and here it has hurt, it has caused a rift. I found myself last night crying out to God, in anger and distress, seeking knowledge and wisdom. I still don’t know if I have it, but I want it. To be the best person I need to be for her. The person God has called me to be.

See, God has the answers. Often times I think the reason we mess up so much, at least it is the case in my life, is that we don’t stop to seek His counsel. We fail to take a break from our busy lives and really search Him, bring before Him our issues and struggles, and ask Him for wisdom, knowledge, strength, courage……to ask Him for answers.

It has been said that the life of a Christian is constantly moving, either forwards or backwards. By no ones part other than my own, I have slipped backwards, and I want so desperately to be back where I was and even farther. Not to please anyone, not to say “look at me”, but because I know that when I am close to the heart of God I find true joy, peace and comfort, even if the situations that surround me suck.

God tells us to just ask Him. We see this again with Jesus in the New Testament, when we are told that upon asking we shall receive, and if we would only knock the door will be opened! I don’t know about you, but I look and think about Jesus’ words in a different light now than before after reading this passage in Jeremiah. I don’t know a lot. Honestly, that is hard for me to confess. I remember the first time I told Amanda “I don’t know” when she asked me something. I hated it. Call it a pride issue. But here I find it easy to put my pride aside. I see more clearly now that I am not the only one who does not know much, and that is ok.

God calls us, He invites us to seek Him. He invites us to trust Him. There is so much I want to know. What to say, when to say it, how to say it. And God simply says “Just ask me and I will answer you. Trust me.”

Father, help me to see and hear better. i am asking that you open my eyes, unplug my ears, help me hold my tongue when i need to.....to just listen. you have so much to say, and i am so quick to just blurt something out. you know my heart and my mind God, how i long to know so much. i ask that you would speak to me, guide me in all that i do, every interaction i have with those around me, and the ones i love. might you bring to light my insecurities, my hurts, and guide me in addressing them rightly. grant me Your strength, wisdom and knowledge. reignite the flame that has shrunk so much in my heart to a bright consuming blaze. speak to me i ask.

faith. trust.

2008-04-08T20:01:00.000-07:00

iv been talking a lot as of late about trust...willing devotion to God. surrendering our wills to that of His. it is something that has been hitting me really hard lately, in art because lately i have really sucked at it. iv been drawn to the Psalms, and yet again i have been pushed, convicted, confronted, you name it....i have been challenged to search and dig.

i heard a sermon on this Psalm by Rob Bell once, and it has never left my mind....but, if i am completely honest i think it has my heart. turn to Psalm 77 and join me.

i remember Bell talking about the anger expressed by the Psalmist here, his frustration with God for His lack of action. verse 4 jumped out at me in relation to what the writer says in verses 7-9.

You keep my eyes from closing;
I was too troubled to speak.

here we see that it was hard for the writer to find words to fully describe how he felt, despite the thoughts being there. wow. how often do i feel like that. i struggle to find the words to describe what is going on around me, and the thoughts running through my head.

even more in relation to verses 7-9, check out 11-12. see, in verses 7-9 the writer is not asking every day questions. he is really questioning God, His character, His very nature. this guy is obviously ticked off. but he made a choice.

remember
meditate
consider

what did he do these things with? the deeds, miracles, works.......not of man, but of God. the writer was faced with hardships, and yet he chose to look back at all that the LORD had done, and in that found hope.

then with that idea in mind, check out what he says in verses 16-18. here he speaks of the responses of creation in relation to Him, and they were extravagant, not simple. God is clearly sovereign over all these things. it is His hands, His Will that causes the winds to blow, the waves to crash, the thunder to crack, and the lightning to flash.

it seems to me that the Psalmist is painting us a picture of a great truth. not just in these verses, but through out the entire Psalm. if God, the Creator, is truly sovereign over creation.....is He not even more capable of providing for us? is He not worthy of our trust and devotion?

i had to do something after i read this. i wrote down different attributes of God, who He is.

full of love
always present everywhere
merciful and gracious
forgiving of His children
jealous of anything other than Him we give our devotion to
holy and pure
just
righteous
faithful
true
all knowing
the Creator
daddy and Father
constant
trustworthy
knows best for all
infinite, without beginning or end
all powerful

the list could go on and on. bottom line, we will never with our finite minds be able to fully comprehend or describe in full who He is. but one thing is clear....

He is more than capable.

the creator and controller of all that we see is fully capable of handling our lives. so what does this mean?

faith. trust. it is that simple. it is letting Him take control of all we have, all that we are. picture a little girl with her father. pure, un-doubting trust....it is that simple. it is not complex like i often make it in my life. it is simple. faith. trust.

my mind jumped to Psalm 51:17. God wants a broken spirit, a broken and contrite heart. it is that simple. it is us putting our wills and desires aside in turn for His. but it is not just trading wills and desires, it is completely trading seats. see, we often have the mindset of leading our lives. but God has something radically different in mind. it is He who leads, and us who follow.

faith. trust.

we have to realize that nothing we have is ours. it is His. we have to realize that whatever we do is destined for failure. but with Him leading, with us following His Will, nothing can stop us in the end. it reminds me of when Jesus spoke, that what is impossible with man is possible with God. but it takes more than just saying "yes LORD" also. it takes actively seeking Him and His Will for your life. it takes willingly giving up the drivers seat, and sliding over.

faith. trust.

He has proven Himself worthy time and time again, not that He ever needed to. the one who created you, who formed you in the womb and knows you better than you do yourself. the one who created all that we see and hear with His very Word....He is more than capable of leading you. all it takes is faith, trust. it is that simple.

My Deliverer

2008-04-04T12:39:00.000-07:00

Turn to Psalm 116. Read the whole thing, and as usual....read it again. Don’t do a normal surface read either. Jump into it, go deep. Then continue here.

So many things just kept jumping out at me. I don’t know what it is, but for the last few days I have just been drawn to the Psalms. Before I found them boring, and in my mind though I knew many of them were songs of praise and out cry, I thought they had nothing to do with me. What could I learn from them??? But that has changed. I have been drawn to them, and the other night it hit me why. I have been struggling, fighting giving God the full reigns. Though I talk like I have, the brutal honest truth I don’t want to admit, is that I have not as of late. And I sit and read these Psalms, and I see myself....I hear myself crying out. In anguish, and in desperation to be back in right communion with God. To be the humble hearted man I have been called to be, willingly surrendering everything before God. Welcome to another part of my story.

5The LORD is gracious and righteous;
Our God is full of compassion.

Stop. Read that again. Think about that. Who He is. Three characteristics that make up who He truly is, evident throughout Scripture and the experiences of His people.

Gracious.
Righteous.
Compassionate.

This is our God, the Creator of all that was, is, and shall be. Constant and never changing. But it gets better, way better.

6The LORD protects the simplehearted;
when I was in great need, he
saved me.

Did you catch that? Read that first line of verse six again, very slowly. The simplehearted….that which God protects. This fascinated me, and convicted me. What does that mean, and, am I that? See, what the Psalmist here is talking about is those who are simple, childlike in their faith. They trust God and depend on Him as a small child does his earthly father.

It is the ones who truly trust and depend in and on God that He protects. In the times of need, hurt and heart ache, God provides for them. I am convicted. I've said it many times as of late that I have failed in yielding my complete trust to Him. And I don’t want to be like that anymore. I want to be the simplehearted man of God, not just because of protection and what He will do, but because of what He has done for me already.

And verse seven just seems to highlight this for me. Don’t worry; be at rest because God will protect you. He has everything in control, and you know what? He is a God of compassion, full of it! He is gracious and righteous.....who better to trust than one who has a proven track record?

The Psalmist goes on to highlight some of the things God has been good in relation to. Death, tears, stumbling....hardship and heartache, and God has delivered our souls from this. Not that we will not encounter them, but that He will always be with us when we do. He is constant, ever present among His children.

Then this catches me. It seems that half way through the Psalms, the author often times changes in a sense the message. I couldn’t help my first thought after reading verse 12.....

How can I repay the LORD
for all His goodness to me?

There is nothing we can ever do that will come close to repay Him for what He has done for us. But then something clicked as I read the next few verses, the Psalmist’s response to his question.

13I will lift up the cup of salvation
and call on the name of the LORD.
14I will fulfill my vows to the LORD
in the presence of all his people.

Acts of devotion. But not just simple acts. These were done willingly. Did you catch that??? Willingly....he was not forced to do them. He chose to praise and honor God by doing willing acts of devotion.

I have to stop here. I think of us as a Church. We praise God, oh yeah. But is it really a willing act? Or is it more something we do to fit in? We see everyone else doing it, and we don’t want to be the odd ball, so we do it too. Or, we just think we should, so we do. That is not willingness, not even close. Why do we do this? Why do we feel like we have to so much? Now don’t hear me say stop doing it, but check your reasons. Are they pure? Are they God centered and based on a simplehearted willingness to praise God for what He has done?

Or is it just a motion to go through?

We see it hit upon again in verses 17-19.....maybe we should seriously rethink why we worship, why we praise. And what our motivation for doing so is. It seemed serious to the Psalmist....perhaps we should take serious note.

Jump back, verse 15. Man, this like jumped off the pages at me.

15Precious in the sight of the LORD
is the death of his saints.

Snap. What does this mean, my mind raced. My mind jumped to this thought, that God rejoices when someone dies in His name willingly. Not that He rejoices because someone died and the pain felt by others, but that they come home to Him. More than that though, that they stand firm in the faith they claim, they die for His name. The saints, those faithfully devoted to Him, He loves and watches over, and rejoices when they come home to Him.

Think of that, and read verse 16 again. It seems as if the Psalmist is identifying himself with those willing to die. He is devoted to his God, willing to die for Him. But more than this, he acknowledges the redemptive power of God. Freeing him from his chains, and because of this he willingly wants to serve this great God.

I am challenged here. And I pray you are too. To recognize who God is, and in that what He has done. I am convicted, for it has been long since I have done this. Acknowledging who He is, and what He has done for me. I see it again, and I am falling in love all over again. A love that drives me to serve Him. A love that desires a simple heart. A love that seeks to willingly serve a great God. The One spoken of in the Psalms....might you be challenged as well.

Search me, Know me

2008-04-02T17:02:00.001-07:00

Psalm 139. you should read it. and then read it again. and then, read it again. slowly.

i recommend a few highlighters and pens as well.

i have been hooked on it for the last several hours. just reading over it one line at a time. it fascinates me how brutally open the Psalmist is here, wanting God to search Him, and realizing that it is inescapable.

like really, there is no way to escape it....no where to go.

8If i go up to the heavens, you are there;
if i make me bed in the depths, you are there.

and in verse 10, he further emphasizes this.....that God is inescapable. His supervision is inescapable.

the detail the Psalmist goes into blows my mind. in verse 13 he starts talking about his very being, and how God knows his "innermost being", because He created it. his innermost being.....wow. the very center of our emotions, our feelings of wrong and right.......God knows this very part of us better than we do our selves because He made them.

but it gets better.

check out verse 15 here. the depths of the earth, here he speaks of the womb. it is here that we are woven together, where we are made and formed.

this whole Psalm is one of brutal honest out cry it seems to me, of acknowledging the truth of our creation by the one true Creator, and the truth of the inescapable presence of Him. and with that, willingly seeking that He search us, that He make Him self known to us. that He bring to the surface any offense we have committed.

a willing offering of repentance. might this be our prayer, on our knees before the throne of God. this is what it speaks to me. to the One who holds my life, who ordained all of my days before i was even formed. i ask that He who knows me better than i know myself, search me....test me. that He would know my heart and my thoughts, and bring to my attention any offense i have committed that i might repent of it before Him.

and in doing so, i might stand up humbly and walk in His light. the light which He shines before me, after me, all around me.

Stripping

2008-04-02T13:24:00.001-07:00

i don't know. i just feel like there is all of this junk in me lately. stuff from past and present. anxiousness, anger, disappointment, guilt, you name it......i probably have some of it. and i don't want it. i just got done reading a friends blog, where he talks about Adam and Eve after being created, and how they stood....

...naked and unashamed.

he goes on to talk about what this means for us, how there is a timeless truth contained in all of the verses that make up Scripture, God's Word. and here we see one about being real. it feels so long since i have been there. and i long for it. i want to let all of my junk out. but here is not the place for it all.

i feel like i have been wearing a mask, and as of late it has begun to fall apart. it is funny how that seems to happen....i credit it to God. today, i feel like mine just feel off. i sat in chapel during the music and kinda felt out of place, but it felt right at the same time. i felt naked, i felt real......and it didn't bother me. i thought about the crap i have done, the mistakes i have made, the things that have let my God down.....and things started to click in my head. iv been living for me, and saying the opposite.

so here i am. i guess this is saying to myself in some way, I'm done wearing a mask. I'm done walking my way and saying it is His. I'm ready to just let go, to throw i the towel for real this time. I'm ready to trust whole-hearted. and i cant do it on my own. God, you have shown this to me time and time and time and time again. and i don't want to be shown again. i don't want the pain, the guilt....i don't want any of it. it is time i fully realize this "life" is not mine.

i read a part of Psalm 139 this afternoon, and i stopped after a few verses i was so taken back. you know that feeling of tears coming? your heart is wrenched, and it hurts to just swallow? i have always known nothing i do escapes the eyes of God. but something happens to me when i read His Word that says this.

O Lord, you have searched me
and you know me.
You know when i sit and when i rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
Before a word is on my tongue
you know it completely, O Lord.

all of my junk is known. all the things i did knowing i shouldn't, giving into my desires and what i wanted instead of heeding God. He knows.

it is funny to me when God smacks me, as i like to think of it. it is firm, yet loving. i kept reading a little more and i stopped at this...

Where can i go from your Spirit?
Where can i flee from your presence?
If i go to the heavens, you are there;
if i make my bed in the depths,
you are there.
If i rise on the wings of the dawn,
if i settle on the far side of the sea,
even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.

i was taken back. my mind races still, as this thought moves from my head to my heart.....no matter how far i stray, God will always be there ready to lead me. no matter what i do or say, He hears. i think of this saying i saw at a friends house not to long ago. it said something like, Jesus Christ is the silent guest at every meal, the silent listener in every conversation....He is there, everywhere. and He knows all that we have done, are doing, and will do.

nothing i say or do is inescapable from Him. i have made some big mistakes in my short life, some even recently. things i look back at and know i was choosing to not listen to God. and i read this. i am reminded. my eyes are opened, and i don't want them to close again.

God, let your piercing light drive the darkness away from me. let Your holiness consume all of me, Your Spirit taking control of my life, Your Will replacing mine when faced with temptations of all kinds. let me never think "no one knows", for You are always present. next to me in the day, watching over me as i lay. let this life truly be Yours, surrendered to Your Will.

The Fall of Trust

2008-04-02T12:59:00.000-07:00

Every day at the bus plaza, I go up the escalator. And between the up and down one, is a water fall, and the water runs down a face of rock, following its predestined path by the shape of the rock laid before it.

I have passed by this for almost seven months now, without batting an eye. But something happened today that made me look at it differently, that really made me notice the significance of what was happening.

Chapel, today at school. Our guest speaker was a local pastor. I knew I would like him right off the bat...he was wearing a green dress shirt. My kind of guy. Not that I base my like or dislike of a person based on their choice of clothing, but this time I was right on. He spoke boldly the message of the Gospel, and he pointed something out that really convicted me.

It is none of your business figuring out what you are supposed to do with your life, it is God’s.

Wow. This hurt. Why? It finally clicked in my head, for the last several weeks I have been trying to do everything on my own. Amanda said something to me last night that now comes back to mind, and I think what I told her was wrong. She asked me if my confidence was really in God, or if I was just using Him as a shield.

I have to admit, He has been a shield for me to hide behind for some time as of late. I have been trying so hard to figure things out on my own, saying I am trusting God…..and I have nothing to show for it. I have nothing I can turn back to and say to myself, “yeah I let God handle that because I wanted to”.

So here I am, finally feeling like my eyes have been opened again. the crust has been broken, and swept away. I am sick of feeling like this, being a pew sitter in my Spiritual life. The sad thing is, from what I can tell, I have worn a well fabricated mask around most people. but I don’t want that anymore. I want to be who I was created to be, a servant and lover of the one true God. I don’t want to decide what to do with my life anymore. I want to be like the water that flows down the fall in the bus plaza, and follow the predestined outline....but the kool part about mine is that I don’t have a clue what it is!!! Only God in all His sovereignty does. It comes down to trust. Something I have wrestled with for some time now behind closed doors. Trusting He will really provide, that He will really lead and guide me. And coming to the realization that it is not about me at all. It is about God, and His glory. I am only a vessel. I am only the branch that bears the fruit produced by the vine.

It is time for me to yield myself fully, to trust completely. And not just leave it at words, but to follow it with actions in this life I have been granted. I have no clue what I am going to do with it, except what God tells me. And honestly, I like it that way…..not knowing. Because God does, and that is more than good enough.

The Chain

2008-03-25T13:55:00.000-07:00

i started reading a new book the other day. i have now something like 8 books i am trying to read at the same time. it makes life very interesting. add to that, books for research for a paper i am writing. my life surprisingly stays busy (or should).

but i read something in this new book the other day that really convicted me. it has come to my attention as of late, both by simple personal conviction from God directly, and also that of God via Amanda, that somewhere along the line recently, i have allowed my priorities to switch. it went from God being at the top, to Him being somewhere lower. and then i read this:

To be prepared to relate to a member of the opposite sex, you must first learn how to relate to the Creator of the opposite sex.

When God Writes Your Love Story, pg. 37-38

something clicked. lately my attitude has not always been the best, easily defensive over nothing. looking back, i have had a hard time understanding and relating to Amanda......and now it makes sense. to better understand her, to better relate to her i must first understand the one who created her, God.

my priorities must shift back to where they were. i have always believed that if you are in a right relationship with God, all else falls into place as it should. it is time for me to follow that. it is time for me to once again, get to know and understand the Creator, so that i may better understand the one He created, and blessed me with.

What the Media will not tell you

2008-03-01T13:08:00.001-08:00

i have stumbled across more information pertaining to the good coming from this war. information that our own media sources here in America as well as across this world seem to conveniently ignore and forget to report. this sickens me. rather, they would like to and do report nothing but negativity. here are some facts that you will never see on the media:

Did you know that 47 countries have re-established
their embassies in Iraq ?

Did you know that the Iraqi government
currently employs 1.2 million Iraqi people?

Did you know that 3100 schools have been renovated,
364 schools are under rehabilitation,
263 new schools are now under construction
and 38 new schools have been completed in Iraq ?

Did you know that Iraq 's higher educational
structure consists of 20 Universities,
46 Institutes or colleges and 4 research centers,
all currently operating?

Did you know that 25 Iraq students departed
for the United States in January 2005
for the re-established Fulbright program?

Did you know that the Iraqi Navy is operational?
They have 5 -100-foot patrol craft, 34 smaller vessels
and a naval infantry regiment.

Did you know that Iraq 's Air Force consists of three operational squadrons,
which includes 9 reconnaissance and 3 US C-130 transport aircraft
(under Iraqi operational control)
which operate day and night, and will soon add
16 UH-1 helicopters and 4 Bell Jet Rangers?

Did you know that Iraq has a counter-terrorist
unit and a Commando Battalion?

Did you know that the Iraqi Police Service has over 55,000
fully trained and equipped police officers?

Did you know that there are 5 Police Academies in Iraq
that produce over 3500 new officers every 8 weeks?

Did you know there are more than 1100
building projects going on in Iraq ?
They include 364 schools, 67 public clinics,
15 hospitals, 83 railroad stations,
22 oil facilities, 93 water facilities
and 69 electrical facilities.

Did you know that 96% of Iraqi children under the age of 5
have received the first 2 series of polio vaccinations?

Did you know that 4.3 million Iraqi children were
enrolled in primary school by mid October?

Did you know that there are 1,192,000
cell phone subscribers in Iraq
and phone use has gone up 158%?

Did you know that Iraq has an independent
media that consists of 75 radio stations,
180 newspapers and 10 television stations?

Did you know that the Baghdad Stock Exchange
opened in June of 2004?

Did you know that 2 candidates in the Iraqi
presidential election had a televised debate recently?

these facts as well as others can be found at the following websites:

http://www.defense.gov/
http://www.pentagon.mil/
http://www.defenselink.mil/
http://www.defendamerica.mil/iraq.html
http://www.jcs.mil

Setting Things Straight

2008-02-29T20:24:00.000-08:00

i read some short stories this evening regarding the American military. it made me smile. out of all the countries on this earth, it seems to me that America stretches out her hand the most. for those who think our government is evil, that what our troops are doing is wrong, i am sorry you have such a negative view of things. it seems very clear to me that we are helping those in need with the resources we have. unfortunately, many of those people and other countries who criticize us do not do the same, even though they have the resources as well. so here a few stories that i enjoyed.

Here are a few military comebacks...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When in England at a fairly large conference, Colin Powell

was asked by the Archbishop of Canterbury if our plans for

Iraq were just an example of empire building' by George Bush.

He answered by saying, 'Over the years, the United States

has sent many of its fine young men and women into great

peril to fight for freedom beyond our borders. The only amount

of land we have ever asked for in return is enough to bury

those that did not return.

It became very quiet in the room.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Then there was a conference in France where a number of

international engineers were taking part, including French and

American. During a break one of the French engineers came

back into the room saying 'Have you heard the latest dumb

stunt Bush has done? He has sent an aircraft carrier to Indonesia

to help the tsunami victims. What does he intended to do, bomb

them?'

A Boeing engineer stood up and replied quietly: 'Our carriers

have three hospitals on board that can treat several hundred

people; they are nuclear powered and can supply emergency

electrical power to shore facilities; they have three cafeterias

with the capacity to feed 3,000 people three meals a day, they

can produce several thousand gallons of fresh water from sea

water each day, and they carry half a dozen helicopters for use

in transporting victims and injured to and from their flight deck..

We have eleven such ships; how many does France have?'

Once again, dead silence.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A U.S. Navy Admiral was attending a naval conference that

included Admirals from the U.S., English, Canadian, Australian

and French Navies. At a cocktail reception, he found himself

standing with a large group of Officers that included personnel

from most of those countries. Everyone was chatting away in

English as they sipped their drinks but a French admiral suddenly

complained that, 'whereas Europeans learn many languages,

Americans learn only English.' He then asked, 'Why is it that we

always have to speak English in these conferences rather than

speaking French?'

Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied 'Maybe it's

because the Brits, Canadians, Aussies and Americans arranged

it so you wouldn't have to speak German.'

You could have heard a pin drop

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

AND THIS STORY FITS RIGHT IN WITH THE ABOVE..

A group of Americans, retired teachers, recently went to France

on a tour.. Robert Whiting, an elderly gentleman of 83, arrived in

Paris by plane. At French Customs, he took a few minutes to

locate his passport in his carry on.

'You have been to France before, monsieur?' the customs officer

asked sarcastically.

Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France previously.

'Then you should know enough to have your passport ready.'

The American said, 'The last time I was here, I didn't have to

show it.'

'Impossible. Americans always have to show your passports

on arrival in France!'

The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look.

Then he quietly explained. 'Well, when I came ashore at

Omaha Beach on D-Day in '44 to help liberate this country,

I couldn't find any Frenchmen to show it to.'

A (Re)Found Motivation

2008-02-26T17:36:00.000-08:00

i found myself thinking today. it occurred to me that i often think of myself as a dirty, filthy, worthless being, a sinner before the eyes of God. that no matter what i do, i am nothing more than a sinner before the eyes of God.

then something hit me.

i have Christ. I have professed Him as Lord and Savior of my life. i admit, as of late this commitment has not been fulfilled as i believe it should be. and i think this is why my mind traveled to this topic. i started to consciously view myself as worthless and dirty before the eyes of God. not to downplay my sin, but i do not believe this idea, this view of myself is correct.

the purpose of Christ's death was to cover our sins, so that when God looks at us, He sees the pureness of Christ, His Son. i am covered, my sin is washed away. again, this does not excuse my sin, as i will be held accountable for it on the day of judgment before that Great White Throne.

though i still fall, i know who i belong to, and what i am. a beloved child of God, forgiven of my sins through the acceptance and surrender of my life to Jesus Christ, through His death, burial and resurrection.

this gives me a re-found hope, one that it seems i have lost along the way recently. perhaps hope is not the best word, but motivation. a motivation to strive for pureness and holiness as i am called. God has called me to be holy as He is holy, i believe above all else. the fact i am seen as pure motivates me to strive for that pureness, that it might not be a fake image of who i am. not that my actions gain me favor, but that they bring Him pleasure.

i am pure in the eyes of God. for in me, He sees His Son. the One who took my punishment upon the cross, even before the foundations of the Earth, covers me with His holiness. in this i find once again, motivation to strive for pureness in the greatest.

For Your Information: my disclaimer

2008-02-16T13:41:00.000-08:00

after some thought, and some comments about my blog regarding our troops, i thought i might give some background as to why i feel the way i do. i feel after re-reading it some background might help.

first, my goal is not to win anyone with this post, or the one i am referring to. i say this because from my experience those who do not agree refuse to change their minds. non the less, i cannot continue to bottle up how i feel. call it a venting post. this is the purpose of this blog, to express how i feel. this is always the purpose of my blogs, this one just happens to be an angry one. if you do not like it, i am not sorry. it is how i feel, and i will not apologize for that.

second, i have long put up with listening to, and even being criticized myself for my support of those who put others before themselves. and what makes me angry, is it is often "Christians" who do this. you know what is funny? those "Christians" who criticize the troops, suck at putting others first when compared to the troops. and you know what? i openly admit i am one of those "Christians" who sucks at this. but i respect them. i recognize the sacrifices they make to do what they do. and i am proud to say my older brother is one of those troops, who sacrificed time with his family, his comfort and luxury, and many times almost his own life. this is something those who criticize, i guarantee do not do.

for the last several years of my life i have listened to so called Americans trash the nation they live in, and the men and women who serve to protect it from threat. often, i have caught personal attacks for my stance. i am proud to support those serving, for this country, for me and you, and for those who cannot do it themselves.

it makes me angry, and rightly so i believe. i see so many people take advantage of what they have here, and then trash talk those who provide protection of it. maybe i am being redundant here, but you know what? i dont care. i dont think the arrogant, so called Americans in this country have heard this message enough.

i am sick of hearing people in this country trash talk those who protect the rights they arrogantly take advantage of. i am sick of hearing the people who only care about themselves trash talk those who put others before themselves.

so i say it again. i do not apologize for how i feel. i am not trying to win anyone. those who agree with me already do, and those who dont will continue to be arrogant, selfish, un American Americans. and as i said before, if you cannot be grateful for what you have, no one is making you stay here.

In The Backyard

2008-02-15T14:06:00.000-08:00

it happened. the thing in todays world you wish never happens, and your heart breaks if it does, did. thursday, february 14th of 2008 a shooting occurred in my home state of Illinois, at the Northern Illinois University campus in DeKalb, Illinois.

iv heard about shootings, iv read about them. but this is my backyard. this is home. it means something different i am sad to say. before, my heart went out to those effected by these situations, but it hits harder when it is at home. when it is in the backyard.

i dont know what to say. i am speechless. i think of the VT shootings, and how shocked i was. it never loses its shock value. it always catches us off guard. and i think that is good.

it reminds me how short life is, and how much shorter it can be. it reminds me that this life is not all that important......it is just temporary. it reminds me that life is just a vapor. one day we are here, and the next we are gone.

my heart is broken, and my thoughts are somewhat scattered if you cant tell. naturally my mind starts to race and wants to know why someone would do such a thing. and honestly, i dont know if we will ever truly understand as long as we are on this earth. we can think, we can theorize why the man did what he did.....but we will never fully understand. only God does. in all of His infinite knowledge and wisdom, that of which we with finite minds can never truly nor fully comprehend, called them home now. i dont understand why, and i dont have to. God is God, not i. do i want to know and understand? yes. do i have to? no.

but i do know this from experience. God hears us, He hears our cries. our cries of pain, suffering, ache......our cries for help. our cries for peace and comfort. our cries for understanding. i believe He answers, because He has for me time and time again. sometimes it is not what i want to hear. others it is. either way, i find peace in knowing that He is a God who knows the epitome of best for me, and all of His creation.

my urging for those in pain, those who put stock in this life is this: seek Him, trust Him. this life is temporary. make it count, and do so for His Kingdom. if you are in pain, if you need peace and comfort, seek Him. open your heart, open your mind to God, and let Him do His work in your life. seek His Son, Christ Jesus. for He is the only hope. and let go of this life, surrendering it to His Will.

this doesnt promise safety or exclusion from trials or hardships. but, He will provide you a comfort, a peace that surpasses all our finite understanding.

my heart, prayers and thoughts go out to those at NIU today and in the days to come. may you seek and find. may you be filled with a peace, with a comfort that you cannot explain. and may you in that be drawn to the only Hope. Jesus Christ.

God bless you all.

For Every American To Ponder

2008-02-14T14:50:00.000-08:00

i have seen many emails and posts much like this one. and every time my heart is stirred, and my eyes well up with tears. i think of the men and women out there fighting for you, fighting for me, and fighting for those who cannot fight for themselves. how they sacrifice so much, willingly, and receive so little thanks. honestly, i think of those who do not support the troops, or the war, and i get angry. i have never in my life seen such selfish people in all of my life. you claim we do more bad than good. well i have this to say to you. first of all, get your facts straight. stop ignoring the clear fact of SUICIDE BOMBERS. it is they that are killing the innocent, not the American soldiers. second, honestly...if you dont like it, if you can not be grateful for the freedoms you so arrogantly practice in this country and the men and women who protect them for you, leave. seriously, pack up your bags and leave this country, because i am sick of you trash talking and disrespecting those who give more than you ever will while asking for nothing in return. third, dont act like you know what it is like because you read some books, watch the news, or talked to a soldier who deserted or doesnt agree. anyone who joins the military and doesnt want to go to war needs to check themselves, CAUSE THAT IS WHAT A MILITARY IS FOR! defense and offense, for us and for others. perhaps it hits home with me more because my older brother has been there. you people bad mouth him while you sit here in the USA protected, while he is overseas being shot at, thousands of miles away from his wife, two little daughters and other family. he didnt ask for this no, but he believes it is right. putting others before himself, and fighting for the rights of others. i respect that. you who protest, i dont respect you for a minute. if you cannot respect those who sacrifice for you, leave. just leave. go where you dont have rights. it wont hurt me none.

from a proud American and brother of an Iraqi Vet who proudly serves this country,

Luke Wagner

enjoy this next part.

Turn up your volume too theres a song!

You stay up for 16 hours.
He stays up for days on end.

You take a warm shower to help you wake up.
He goes days or weeks without running water.

You complain of a "headache", and call in sick.
He gets shot at as others are hit, and keeps moving forward.

You put on your anti war/don't support the troops shirt, and go meet up with your friends.
He still fights for your right to wear that shirt.

You talk trash about your "buddies" that aren't with you.
He knows he may not see some of his buddies again.

You walk down the beach, staring at all the pretty girls.
He patrols the streets, searching for insurgents and terrorists.

..

You complain about how hot it is.
He wears his heavy gear, not daring to take off his helmet to wipe his brow.

You go out to lunch, and complain because the restaurant got your order wrong.
He doesn't get to eat today.

Your maid makes your bed and washes your clothes.
He wears the same things for weeks, but makes sure his weapons are clean.

You go to the mall and get your hair redone.
He doesn't have time to brush his teeth today.

You're angry because your class ran 5 minutes over.
He's told he will be held over an extra 2 months.

You call your girlfriend and set a date for tonight.
He waits for the mail to see if there is a letter from home.

You hug and kiss your girlfriend, like you do everyday.
He holds his letter close and smells his love's perfume.

You roll your eyes as a baby cries.
He gets a letter with pictures of his new child, and wonders if they'll ever meet.

You criticize your government, and say that war never solves anything.
He sees the innocent tortured and killed by their own people and remembers why he is fighting.

You hear the jokes about the war, and make fun of men like him.
He hears the gunfire, bombs and screams of the wounded.

You see only what the media wants you to see.
He sees the broken bodies lying around him.

You are asked to go to the store by your parents. You don't.
He does exactly what he is told even if it puts his life in danger.

You stay at home and watch TV.
He takes whatever time he is given to call, write home, sleep, and eat.

If you support your troops, the click "reply to poster" copy all the codes, and repost the bulletin.

If you don't support your troops well, then don't re-post. You won't die in 7 days, your love life won't be affected, and you won't have the worst day ever. You don't have to repost. It's not like you know the men and women that are dying to preserve your rights.

Reflection #5: Modern Day Cloud Of Witnesses

2008-02-12T17:10:00.000-08:00

this reflection is based once again on the introduction of the book. i wrote it after listening to the song "Cloud Of Witnesses" by Mark Schultz, a song that has always stirred my heart and made my eyes well up with tears. blessings.

so im listening to a song. a song that i heard many years ago that for the past few, has stirred my heart every time i hear it. it speaks of a cloud of witnesses. the Church body. not the ones of old, but of the modern day. our parents, teachers, pastors, friends......the ones we walk with today, in Christ.

it strikes a very sensitive chord in my heart. there is a part where he sings of a boy losing his father, and how the friends surround him.....help him give his father up to God. something we will all one day face, something i have come close to many times with my fathers poor health. it makes me appreciate the blessing of people, a modern day cloud of witnesses, that God has placed in my life.

a cloud that i know will follow me down the road. a cloud that i know will help me through the hard times. a cloud that will support me. a cloud that inspires me. this is a modern day cloud of witnesses.

Can't find the logic, only peace

2008-02-11T15:50:00.000-08:00

have you ever found something, been so sure of it.........this is it. and it hurts inside waiting, but waiting you know you must. you don't understand, but you trust. you cant find any logic in any of it, but you see God's hand it in everywhere.

like a small child's picture of finger-painting. prints of the fingers and hands cover the whole page.

here i am. i am so excited, i am finding it hard to even type this!

im at a new level. my love is deeper. there is no logic, iv been told this in different ways so many times i laugh now.

it hasn't been long enough.
you haven't spent enough time in person with her.
she is young, immature.
you are to young and don't know what you are talking about.

maybe it hasn't been long enough according to society.
maybe we haven't been together in person long enough.
she isn't to young, and i would argue (though biased ;-) ) that she is more mature than most girls her age, in every aspect.
i am not to young, though i admit i don't have a clue what i am doing.

but you know what???????

i am trusting.

not man, not myself. i am trusting God.

He has yet to tell me i have taken a wrong turn. there have been trials, arguments, disappointments.............but He has been faithful, and full of grace and mercy.

and He has shown it many times to me through her.

the greatest thing so far? today i finally reached a point i have been struggling with.......and i didn't do anything myself to get there!

i want to tell her everything, how my day went, how i am feeling, what i want and need. everything. past, present, future.

and she doesn't need to push me, poke and prod like i had to ask her to do before.

and not only this.......i am at peace about everything. i know who's hands this relationship is in. and i trust them. why shouldn't i????

i have all these years with everything else.........why should this be any different?

i have been blessed with a woman who is more than i deserve. and i truely believe that. and i have been called on something. holding on to it so tight.......it could burst in my face.

so here i am, at peace, and bringing her before God. letting it go and placing it in His hands.

after all, He knows what He is doing. and i am just walking blind.

but i trust. and He is good.

Reflection #4: Know the enemy, use his ammo

2008-02-06T14:35:00.000-08:00

this reflection is from chapter two, of which discusses Justin Martyr:

how often do we fully understand what we are fighting? think about it.....how much do we really know about ways of thinking like atheism, agnostic's, Jehovah's Witnesses, Mormons, Catholics, etc. what fascinated me most about Justin Martyr is that he knew what he was up against. but more than just know, he understood how they thought and why. granted this is in part because he was once one of them, but still.

because he understood what they believed and why, he was able to answer the gnawing questions in a way they understood, without watering down the Gospel. that i think is the key. so often i think we sacrifice the heart of the message of Christ in turn for the person to "accept Christ". what good does the acceptance of Him do, if they don't even know the real deal?

i think Justin got that. i think of others in Scripture, like Peter, Paul, Stephen, who were all persecuted for the message. they also took it to those around them and presented it in a way that was understandable without jeopardizing the heart of it.

i am challenged. i am once again, as i am finding to become regular with each reading, convicted. how often do i water down the message just to get a person to listen to me? or go at it in a way that they don't understand? i believe it is vital that we understand what we are up against (after knowing well what it is we proclaim), and challenge it in a way that is understandable. this is the example i see set before me not only with Justin, but the Apostles, and even Jesus.

might we take notice and follow suit?

Reflection #3: Staying True

2008-02-06T14:26:00.000-08:00

this post is actually in regards to the introduction of the book, and a comment made by the author that stuck out to me. enjoy:

when i read, i always carry a highlighter, to mark passages that "jump out" at me. this book has been no different, and i wish to share about one passage in the introduction. on page 29, the author states "It is of vital importance that every Christian believer be found traveling along the same path of historic orthodoxy that the ancient believers first labored to create."

i was amazed, and extremely happy to read this. i believe one of the main reasons we have so many messed up, wacky, un-Biblical views going around in the Church today, is simply because we have lost touch with our history. we have lost touch with our historical Christian roots. we have departed from orthodoxy in pursuit of making people happy and increasing numbers.

sick!

the reason it is important to "... be found traveling along the same path of historic orthodoxy that the ancient believers first labored to create." is not so we can honor those who shaped it, as much as i believe it is to remain Biblical. Scripture comes before man.

let us turn back if we have left, and let us do so humbly. let us remain true to Scripture, true to Christ....not man.

let us remain in orthodoxy.

Reflection #2: A Love For A Brother

2008-02-06T14:22:00.000-08:00

something else stirred my heart about Ignatius, and naturally i felt compelled to write about it:

i find it fascinating that Ignatius felt he had to write to the church in Rome prior to his arrival there. he knew the purpose of his trip there....it was told by the chains. but why did he write to them?

his letter stressed to them the importance of them NOT interfering with his trip, and ultimate end there in death. i find this striking. it appears to me that the church in Rome was willing to do anything to protect Ignatius.

i think of our brothers and sisters around the world who are persecuted daily for Christ. they send us no letters urging us to stand aside. perhaps because we are not jumping to help?

this is convicting for me. i sit back, often times letting the fact these things happen every day just escape my mind. i want to be one who receives a letter of sorts. i want my faith, my love for my brothers and sisters to be so strong and so bold, that i must be urged by them when persecuted for the Lord's name, to stand aside. not for my own self-worth mind you. but because i love my brother and sister so much, i will do anything for them, even die in their place.

might we be convicted, even encouraged to love our brothers and sisters, as i believe the church of Rome loved Ignatius. let's be bold and courageous for one another.

Reflection #1: High Expectations

2008-02-06T14:16:00.000-08:00

the following is the first of what will perhaps become several reflections i am writing for my research writing class. they are based off my reading of "Getting To Know The Church Fathers" by Bryan M. Litfin. i pray they speak to you, stir your heart and mind to actively pursue Christ at a deeper level than you might be now. this first one is based on chapter one of the book, Ignatius of Antioch:

i was convicted when i read about Ignatius' view of the bishop in a church. i have always viewed the pastor as the head spiritual leader for the congregation, but as the picture of the very presence of God! wow! knowing God has called me into the ministry, specifically to be a youth pastor, i am convicted.

it reminds me of how much people look up to a leader, and in the case of a pastor, the shepherd of the flock, the stakes are higher.

i think of James when he talks about presuming to be teachers (though specifically talking about speech there, i think we can use the same point here), and how we will be judged more strictly.

the role of the bishop, of the pastor, is one of great responsibility. it is one that should not be taken lightly, nor do i believe accepted eagerly (but humbly). i pray that as i continue to follow God in my calling, that i remember this philosophy of Ignatius, and strive to be the very presence of God to the flock He entrusts to me.

Love Despite Requirement

2008-02-06T12:55:00.000-08:00

i have started reading a new book. and it is odd, because i love it. the fact i love it does not make it odd. the fact that it is required reading for one of my classes and i love it, is what is odd. honestly though, i am fascinated with the topic and the content it contains.

the book is titled "Getting To Know The Church Fathers: An Evangelical Introduction" by Bryan M. Liftin. this guy, who is associate professor of theology at Moody Bible Institute (i cannot wait to take one of his classes!), dives into a hand full of the early Church Fathers who laid it all on the line, and in turn paved the road for much of the Church today.

i have been inspired, convicted and challenged......and i am only two chapters in! my heart has grown to want to seek more about these fathers and their lives, and how they believed so deeply in the Lord Jesus Christ and His message, they died for it.

we talked a little bit in my Christian missions class today about another church father (of whom is not addressed in the book, but still worth studying i believe), Polycarp. it is amazing what he did, and how God provided for him. he is a clear example of how God gives us the strength in the time of trial. after dragged before the emperor and instructed to recant, he refused. upon being threatened with being eaten by wild animals, he basically told the emperor to bring it on. angry, the emperor directed for him to be bound to a stake and burned alive....to this Polycarp refused to be bound, and stood there willingly. as the stake burned, he stood there singing hymns and did not burn. angry yet more, the emperor had him stabbed, and upon being stabbed his blood put out the fire surrounding him!

in all of it, he held to his convictions and went out singing to God!!!!!

this faith fascinates me, and challenges me. i would encourage you to pick up a copy of this book and read it. i believe you will not regret reading this work, and like me....find it fascinating and be stirred to get to know the Church Fathers even better.

keep swimming deeper.

Fire Insurance

2008-02-04T14:14:00.001-08:00

i read another blog the other day and made a comment. then today i read another blog that i think might have been sparked by the first and my comment, and i made a comment on that. now, if you can track all of that, here i am now. i have said before that i do not write simply because i enjoy it. in fact, most of the time i hate it. i write because i have to. it is a non-living vent that just listens (although i thank God for those vents who are alive in my life....you know who you are ;-) ).

fire insurance. this nation has been called a "Christian" nation, but i dont buy it. i think this nation is one filled with people who have fire insurance. and that is it.

and it breaks my heart. it makes me sick, to the point i could vomit.

and i believe this is in large part to the Church. we have dropped the ball. we have sacrificed the truth for numbers.

sick!

i wonder, if perhaps Jesus is in heaven watching us, crying and shaking His head. i think of Paul, and Peter, and Steven, and many of the early Church Fathers who preached the Gospel of Christ without a second thought of who they might offend. today, we preach a fuzzy and warm Jesus.

"If you ask Jesus into your heart today, your life will be better. You will be successful and never find hardship in your life."

a stretch you might think.........no. this is the message i hear in many of the churches across the nation that i have had the opportunity to visit. not so much in those words, but the bottom line is the same. and i can not help but think of all the people who "accepted Christ" for a better life here on earth, and upon hitting a hardship they were told would not come, throw it all away.

sick!

i think of Martin Luther, when he said "The Church is whore, but she is still my mother."

look at what we have done. we have traded Biblical truths for tolerance of sin. i am lost for words to describe how i feel. how angry it makes me. how disgusted i am.

what a grave injustice we have done to Christ. i am sick of hearing fire insurance being preached so we can say "X number of people were saved today!!!" lets get our act together. stop preaching a warm fuzzy Jesus, and preach the real deal. preach Scripture. lead and teach the people what it really means to accept Christ..........it is more than just saying some words. it is about following.

and if you are wondering about it, think about this. as Christians we are called to follow Christ. with this in mind, look at what He did and went through. He died for us, He endured hardship and trial.......and did so humbly. how dare we even think we might be subject to anything less. if we are, praise God! but let us never expect it.....

excuse me while i go vomit.

a conclusion

2008-01-29T00:03:00.000-08:00

i came to a conclusion today. or perhaps it was one of those times again where i knew what the conclusion was, and i just decided to accept it. any ways, my conclusion was that it as been a few months since i had touched my book, and i really needed to start writing again, especially since i have been hooked up with an editor (oh yeah!!!!).

but here is the thing that i find funny.

i had forgotten what section topic i was writing on at this point, and it just so happens to be about patience. something i need a lot of coaching in right now. never in my life have i wanted some thing right now, even though it is unrealistic at this time. the idea of being patient and waiting is almost unbearable. and so, i smile.......i almost laugh, because i cannot help but think that God planned this out for me before time.

see, i have a grand opportunity to dive in and really study what it means to be patient. by looking at the life of Christ, Paul and other Apostles and how it played a part in their lives, i can better gain an understanding of the importance and rewards of being patient in my life here and now.

and you know what is even better?

the next section is on self-control, which is tied into patience. two prime areas in life i struggle with constantly........wanting things now, and giving in in an attempt to grasp them.......and here i am studying and writing about them!

God once again, is funny. i think i now know why i was lead to write this book. perhaps it is not so much to bless others, but to cause me to search and dig in areas of my life i struggle the most.

perhaps, this is more for me than i ever imagined.

Outside the Bounds

2008-01-24T22:38:00.000-08:00

i read a post tonight on myspace. it made me smile. it made me stop, and think.

about my faith. about what i believe in light of the continual thrashing society dishes out every day towards my God, my faith, my beliefs.

i wanted to share it with you. but i pray this upon you:

that as you read it, your heart is stirred.
that as you read it, your mind turns.
that as you read it, perhaps you think of times where you faltered when pressed with hard questions.
that as you read it, your heart aches.
that as you read it, your heart smiles.
that as you read it, your faith is strengthened.
and that as you read it, you are reminded that God is great. that He is outside of the constraints of time and space, of which we are contained in. things that He Himself made. for He is infinite, not finite as we are.

let us never, ever again, allow ourselves to put the Lord God in a box. let us never again try to shape and mold Him into our image. let us never again view Him as a finite being.

for He is much more than this. He is the Creator, not the created. He is great. and to think anything less i believe is blasphemous.

enjoy.

God vs. Science

A science professor begins his school year with a lecture to the students, “Let me explain the problem science has with religion.”

The atheist professor of philosophy pauses before his class and then asks one of his new students to stand.

”You're a Christian, aren't you, son?”

“Yes sir,” the student says.

”So you believe in God?”

“Absolutely.”

“Is God good?”

“Sure! God's good.”

“Is God all-powerful? Can God do anything?”

“Yes.’

“Are you good or evil?”

“The Bible says I'm evil.”

The professor grins knowingly. “Aha! The Bible!” He considers for a moment. “Here's one for you. Let's say there's a sick person over here and you can cure him. You can do it. Would you help him? Would you try?”

“Yes sir, I would.”

“So you're good...!”

'I wouldn't say that.'

“But why not say that? You'd help a sick and maimed person if you could. Most of us would if we could. But God doesn't.”

The student does not answer, so the professor continues. “He doesn't, does he? My brother was a Christian who died of cancer, even though he prayed to Jesus to heal him. How is this Jesus good? Hmmm? Can you answer that one?”

The student remains silent.

”No, you can't, can you?” the professor says. He takes a sip of water from a glass on his desk to give the student time to relax.

“Let's start again, young fella. Is God good?”

“Er...yes,” the student says.

“Is Satan good?”

The student doesn't hesitate on this one. “No.”

“Then where does Satan come from?”

The student falters. “From God.”

“That's right. God made Satan, didn't he? Tell me, son. Is there evil in this world?”

“Yes, sir.”

“Evil is everywhere, isn't it? And God did make everything, correct?”

“Yes.”

“So who created evil?” The professor continued, “If God created everything, then God created evil, since evil exists, and according to the principle that our works define who we are, then God is evil.”

Again, the student has no answer.

“Is there sickness? Immorality? Hatred? Ugliness? All these terrible things, do they exist in this world?”

The student squirms on his feet. “Yes.”

“So who created them?” The student does not answer again, so the professor repeats his question. “Who created them?” There is still no answer. Suddenly the lecturer breaks away to pace in front of the classroom. The class is mesmerized.

“Tell me,” he continues onto another student. “Do you believe in Jesus Christ, son?”

The student's voice betrays him and cracks. “Yes, professor, I do.”

The old man stops pacing. “Science says you have five senses you use to identify and observe the world around you. Have you ever seen Jesus?”

“No sir. I've never seen Him.”

“Then tell us if you've ever heard your Jesus?”

“No, sir, I have not.”

“Have you ever felt your Jesus, tasted your Jesus or smelt your Jesus? Have you ever had any sensory perception of Jesus Christ, or God for that matter?”

“No, sir, I'm afraid I haven't.”

“Yet you still believe in him?”

“Yes.”

“According to the rules of empirical, testable, demonstrable protocol, science says your God doesn't exist. What do you say to that, son?”

“Nothing,” the student replies. “I only have my faith.”

“Yes, faith,” the professor repeats. “And that is the problem science has with God. There is no evidence, only faith.”

The student stands quietly for a moment, before asking a question of his own.

“Professor, is there such thing as heat?”

“Yes,” the professor replies. “There's heat.”

“And is there such a thing as cold?”

“Yes, son, there's cold too.”

“No sir, there isn't.”

The professor turns to face the student, obviously interested. The room suddenly becomes very quiet.

The student begins to explain. “You can have lots of heat, even more heat, super-heat, mega-heat, unlimited heat, white heat, a little heat or no heat, but we don't have anything called 'cold'. We can hit up to 458 degrees below zero, which is no heat, but we can't go any further after that. There is no such thing as cold; otherwise we would be able to go colder than the lowest -458 degrees.”

“Every body or object is susceptible to study when it has or transmits energy, and heat is what makes a body or matter have or transmit energy. Absolute zero (-458 F) is the total absence of heat. You see, sir, cold is only a word we use to describe the absence of heat. We cannot measure cold. Heat we can measure in thermal units because heat is energy. Cold is not the opposite of heat, sir, just the absence of it.”

Silence crossed the room. A pen drops somewhere in the classroom, sounding like a hammer.

“What about darkness, professor. Is there such a thing as darkness?”

“Yes,” the professor replies without hesitation. “What is night if it isn't darkness?”

“You're wrong again, sir. Darkness is not something; it is the absence of something. You can have low light, normal light, bright light, flashing light, but if you have no light constantly you have nothing and it's called darkness, isn't it? That's the meaning we
use to define the word. In reality, darkness isn't. If it were, you would be able to make darkness darker, wouldn't you?”

The professor begins to smile at the student in front of him. This will be a good semester. “So what point are you making, young man?”

”Yes, professor. My point is, your philosophical premise is flawed to start with, and so your conclusion must also be flawed.”

The professor's face cannot hide his surprise this time. “Flawed? Can you explain how?”

”You are working on the premise of duality,” the student explains. “You argue that there is life and then there's death; a good God and a bad God. You are viewing the concept of God as something finite, something we can measure. Sir, science can't even explain a thought.”

“It uses electricity and magnetism, but has never seen, much less fully understood either one. To view death as the opposite of life is to be ignorant of the fact that death cannot exist as a substantive thing. Death is not the opposite of life, just the absence of it.”

“Now tell me, professor. Do you teach your students that they evolved from a monkey?”

“If you are referring to the natural evolutionary process, young man, yes, of course I do.”

“Have you ever observed evolution with your own eyes, sir?”

The professor begins to shake his head, still smiling, as he realizes where the argument is going. A very good semester indeed.

”Since no one has ever observed the process of evolution at work and cannot even prove that this process is an on-going endeavor, are you not teaching your opinion, sir? Are you now not a scientist, but a preacher?”

The class is in uproar. The student remains silent until the commotion has subsided. “To continue the point you were making earlier, let me give you an example of what I mean.”

The student looks around the room. “Is there anyone in the class who has ever seen the professor's brain?”

The class breaks out into laughter.

“Is there anyone here who has ever heard the professor's brain, felt the professor's brain, touched or smelt the professor's brain?”

No one appears to have done so.

“So, according to the established rules of empirical, stable, demonstrable protocol, science says that you have no brain, with all due respect, sir. So if science says you have no brain, how can we trust your lectures, sir?”

Now the room is silent. The professor just stares at the student, his face unreadable. Finally, after what seems an eternity, the old man answers. “I guess you'll have to take them on faith.”

“Now, you accept that there is faith, and, in fact, faith exists with life,” the student continues. “Now, sir, is there such a thing as evil?”

Now uncertain, the professor responds, “Of course, there is. We see it everyday. It is in the daily example of man's inhumanity to man. It is in the multitude of crime and violence everywhere in the world. These manifestations are nothing else but evil.”

To this the student replied, “Evil does not exist sir, or at least it does not exist unto itself. Evil is simply the absence of God. It is just like darkness and cold, a word that man has created to describe the absence of God. God did not create evil. Evil is the result of what happens when man does not have God's love present in his heart. It's like the cold that comes when there is no heat or the darkness that comes when there is no light.”

The professor sat down.

ready

2008-01-18T10:52:00.000-08:00

i am so amazed. my heart, my mind......wow.

i love how God works. how one day, you are not looking for anything, anyone......and you find them. how one day you are just friends, and the next you are talking about the future. how every little detail seems to be hand crafted by God.

all the way down to a lone squirrel, in the middle of winter, randomly running by you. and something in you says stop and remember this. and that night while talking, she says something about a sign from God to move on in the direction you are, and the thing that comes to her mind is what happened to you that morning. a random squirrel running by your feet.

that is not chance, that is not coincidence. maybe some of you think I'm off here, but i believe that was God.

i love how when we talk of the future together, i have never felt a deeper peace in my life than when i think of that. a peace that is not human. it is not natural. and at the same time i feel scared. but that peace takes control.

i am ready. society, parents, friends....whoever, might say 'slow down'. we might not be doing it the way everyone else, the way society says to do it. but who said people, society is right? God works in His own timing. not mans.

we are ready. ready to close our eyes, take a step of faith.....together.......and jump. trusting He will always be there for us. not doing so blindly......but assured.

so here we are. here i am. just shy of two months. and, i am about to do the scariest thing i have yet to do in my entire life.

weak, frail......Hope

2008-01-16T21:28:00.000-08:00

something has come to my attention. something in my own personal life. it has come to my attention in a way that i had not expected it to, in a way i believe only God could have orchestrated.

my weakness. my frailty.

i find it curious, stepping back now and looking at my life. how strong i thought i was. thinking i could conquer it. thinking.......it will not conquer me.

and i have been proved wrong. i have come up short. i have been broken.

and i find it curious how this has come to my attention. through her. by her. speaking to me, listening to me. accepting me, loving me, despite my weakness and sin. and in that, challenging me to change for the better.

i am weak, and God has smacked me in the face with that reality through her. but in that, He has reminded me of Hope, again through her words. through her love. something i will never share with anyone else, she listens without condemning. something i fear to tell those i trust and respect most........i tell her.

and i know. i know that she will love me. how? i can't explain it. i have tried. i have searched, thought, prayed. it is just something i know. perhaps it is because she is just as open with me about her struggles. there is a trust, a love here that i have never sensed, never felt before between another person.

and i am weak, frail. yet, she looks at me. yet, she sees my baggage, my sin and struggle.

and she loves me still. even more.

the bus scene

2008-01-11T13:26:00.000-08:00

i rode the bus today for the first time in about a month. strangely, it was really good. at one point i noticed myself praying for everyone getting off the bus when we would come to a stop.

one especially stuck out to me.

a man in an Army jacket got on the bus heading for the welfare building, which the bus passes. my mind started to turn as to what he had done, where he had come from, and where he was going. i soon realized i had no idea. he is a man that i don't know, and probably never will. nor will i probably ever see him again. but i prayed for him there, as i sat in my seat. something stirred in me that shoved all those ideas we get about homeless, poor people. and i remembered he was just a person like me. deserving of respect, as i am. that in the eyes of God i am no more special.

and then my heart jumped. i saw him pull out an Our Daily Bread devotional. call me pathetic about that, but it brought a smile to my face (or rather, made the one already there bigger). i saw a man seeking. but he wasn't just seeking anything.

he was seeking hope.

he was seeking Truth.

to the man whom i speak of, may you be blessed by God....may you seek Him with all of your being, in the good and bad. my He bless you greatly, and may you accept His gift for you, the life of His son on the cross and strive to follow after Him with all of your being.

and for us, might our hearts go out to those like this man. might our hearts be stirred, might they burn and our minds turn. might we allow a righteous anger move us out of our seat. after all, being a Christian, following Christ isn't about sitting in a pew on Sunday.

still swimming,

Luke

still walking, different scenery

2008-01-10T09:58:00.001-08:00

well, it has come to my attention (or more, i have accepted the fact) that it has been some time since i have written a blog that has relevance and is not cruel in some fashion to an extreme.

i really do love people.

interesting, i had a chat with my mother at one point while i was home, about people.

i love them, but i don't trust them. let me clarify (or at least attempt).......i trust to an extent. i question motives a lot, and have come to realize often (not always) i can read underlying motives fairly well and accurately. i believe every man is evil, as Scripture clearly outlines from the book of Genesis, to Paul's letters to the early churches. and because of this i am very cautious around most people, unless i sense there is trust there. if this doesn't make sense to you, i am sorry. i have also found lately that i have a hard time of finding words to describe things. perhaps it is because i have not journaled for some time (i need to fix that). i love doing that because i just let it all out, look at it, think about it, and then form it into something.

im realizing this is jumping around. and i have a confession to make. over the break there were a few instances that i am clearly aware of that i was up on a high horse. if there have been other instances where people feel i have been that way with them, i apologize. call this a lame attempt to set things right, but i really don't feel like waiting till may at the earliest.

among many things that have happened this break, i got to know someone better. she is special. im trying to be patient (i really really really suck at this). and that is all im saying for now.

i am actually happy to be back here in spokane. it is here that the last semester i have dug in, and i am back. i have many books to read, much to study and learn........and my books are all here, lol (well, most of them, and the ones i need the most). i was only gone a month, but so much has changed. here, back home, in my life. new situations, a new friend. i feel like my life needs organized some, lol. but here is where i leave you all for now. i have clothes to unpack 3 days AFTER i have gotten back, and i need to actually do something productive today.

still learning, walking, and trying to swim deeper, i send blessings to you all.

Meaning, Truth, Survival

2007-12-30T14:30:00.000-08:00

This afternoon was a time of stirring in my heart. I had a few things on my mind, but something in me was stirring. My dreams came to mind, of which I have spent much time thinking, praying and discussing about with friend. After this mornings church service, I just hung out in the sanctuary, to “think”. After several people came up and asked if I was ok and gave me hugs, everyone left the church. Everyone, but me and God. In the dark. I sat in there for a good hour I think. I cried, yelled, begged, all in prayer. Seeking answers. Seeking direction. Begging God to knock me out of the way and take over everything. And in all of this, asking God to speak to me, to whisper…I heard Him. I believe now, with all of my heart that, my dreams were not just dreams. No, they were more than that. They were God speaking to me. Of His power, His strength. Of a battle that is to take place in my life, of which my strength and power is no match. I believe I will face a battle, one where I will be forced to rely on nothing but the power and strength of God the Father Himself. I continue to seek when, and for what this battle will take place.

Before church this morning, I sat in my pew. I thought. I thought about truth. The Truth. I am passionately seeking it, for this is what I believe I am in part called to do. For the Truth is vital to life, our eternal life. That Truth is in Christ Jesus. This is our call, to seek after Him with all of our heart. And to do so passionately, with all that is in our whole being. I talked with God this afternoon of this as well. And my heart heard, nothing but the hand of God Himself can stop me from seeking the Truth. No power in Heaven, Hell, or on earth save the Father Himself can stop me. I will not accept anything short of Truth, and will fight with all that is in me against that which is not Truth. For this is my heart. This is my calling. To pursue Truth, to seek it out and grasp onto it with all that is in me.

Guidance. I need it. I lack it. Guide me Father. Grant me wisdom, knowledge of your Will for my life. That I am called I know, but I seek to know where. Even now tears come as I think of my cries today. I am weak. And now, more than ever, I need strength that does not fail. It sounds so trivial, yet it comes from within my heart, welling up from my very being. A desire, but more than this….a need, vital to my existence. I am weak. I sense a great storm approaching. Yet, deep within I feel a peace that I cannot supply on my own. I am still moved to tears, though not by fear, but by the grace and mercy poured out on me continually, despite how much I screw up.

Oh, dear coworker

2007-12-27T19:01:00.000-08:00

i just got home from work. and i must say, i generally enjoy working where i do. i like my bosses, and most of my coworkers.

BUT.

what i hate:
people who don't do their jobs. now, i am in no way saying i am perfect and do my job the best all the time, or even close. but i do what is asked of me without griping.

so i have come to this very short conclusion. you were hired to work. not stand around like idiots and just talk. do that on your own time, not the company's. if you don't like your job, quit. trust me, you'll be making more people happy than not.

i think of a girl a few years back, who asked if she could do a "half-a** job".........to a manager i might add. please, why do some people have to be so stupid???? the work ethic has dropped so much it makes me sick!

as much as i love my bosses, i must say this:
thank God i am done in a week or so.

Let Us Hear

2007-12-24T17:43:00.000-08:00

It is Christmas eve, and bitter cold outside. Perfect for a central Illinois Christmas. But my mind is not on the weather, it is not on trees and ornaments, presents, or family and friends. My mind is instead on a thought sparked by the movie The Polar Express. This is perhaps my favorite movie of all times. I grew up reading the book and shaking a bell. But the thought left with me is due to the end of the movie, much as it is in the book. The children hear the bell, while the parents cannot and thus think it is broken.

In the story, being able to hear the bells was based on the individuals belief that Christmas was real. But I think there is a deeper, spiritual meaning here rather than believing in Santa, elves, etc. I remember watching the end of the movie and fighting back tears. Something in my heart stirred. How many people go through this celebration of Christmas, and miss the sound of the bells because they do not believe? I see obsession with gifts, family and friends, food, etc. at an unhealthy level. They are great in moderation, but the reason for this time is much greater than any earthly thing.

I think of when Jesus spoke to His disciples about having the faith of a child. So often they are naive, willing to follow without question. Jesus has called us to have the faith of a child, to follow Him whole heartedly without hesitation. Not that we should not study and learn, but to be willing, trusting.

Let us this Christmas, be like the children in the story, the children whom Jesus speaks of to us. Let us believe with all of our hearts. Let us hear the bells.

contradictory?

2007-12-23T20:25:00.000-08:00

i noticed something this evening. i was browsing on facebook and stumbled upon a profile. within this profile were two things, or applications as facebook so eloquently describes them. one, a "daily Bible verse" deal. the second, a "horoscope" deal.

now, someone please correct me if i am wrong but, is it not somewhat if not completely contradictory to have these two applications?

anyway, another thing that has been bugging me. the last week while driving i have heard this ad on the radio for cosmetics (or so it sounded to me). the ad makes it sound like you can by good looks. they box it up for you to buy.this got me thinking about how much we put stock in physical image. i mean sure, i believe God wants us to take care of our body, to look our best. but, we are a beautiful creation already, made in His image. that is powerful. so why do we become obsessed with our image? why do we think we have to be muscular, or a size whatever? is this really how God has created us to be?

i hope you enjoyed this rather random rant. random has been fairly prevalent in my life lately.....thanx amanda, lol.

power in dreams

2007-12-22T10:44:00.000-08:00

i had another dream. much has been on my mind concerning dreams since talking with a friend about one i wrote about previously. i truly believe there is power in dreams, that God speaks to us in a great way through them. we see this all throughout Scripture.

my dream took place while i slept in my bed here at home. and this is where i was at in the dream. i have a large amount of (illegal) fireworks sitting next to my bed (all of this is real, and is a stockpile for the 4th). but in my dream i was awoken to 3 people entering my room. and as i sat up in bed, these three people brought in more and more fireworks and just added them to the pile of what i already had. i remember one face in particular, as i saw he was smiling as he did what he did. i know there is meaning in this dream, as i see a connection between it and the other one i had. i seek now to further understand their meaning, and the impact on my life it will and should have on my life.

God is uncontainable. here, in dreams, i see more of His power in my life. let us never put Him in a box.

about love

2007-12-20T17:54:00.000-08:00

the following are some of my loosely structured thoughts in regards to what love is. they are thoughts, ideas, recorded for myself and others to ponder and reflect on. some is concrete for me, other things are not but are forming. may you feel free to read, ponder, reflect on love.

To say we love without any action to signify it, is just empty words. Much as James tells us faith without deeds is dead. We have taken something precious and pure, and have twisted, warped and stripped it down to nothing but perversion, emotion, and simply just a word. Empty. But what is love? This is the question I hear asked often. Not in so many words, until recently. What does it mean to love, what is it? Such a simple word when we look at it, but I believe it holds a great deal of meaning. There is great power in love, if only we embrace it, except it. It is meant to be pure, for that is how it was demonstrated. So what is it?

I think…no, I believe, love is more than a word. And even I fail at treating it as such, saying things like “I love hoodies”. But to love is to sacrifice. More than this, it is to do so selflessly, not expecting anything in return. It is not selfish. I would not sacrifice myself for my hoodie, no matter how much I may say I love it.

It is pure, as demonstrated for us by Christ.

I believe it is tied to emotion, but it is not purely emotion. It is emotion driven action, much like other things in our lives. To love is to care so deeply for or about someone or something that you give of yourself expecting nothing in return. I love the DC Talk song, Love Is A Verb. I love it because it drives this point home, that to love is to act. It is not just a word or emotion, but action.

Love is like faith. Show me your faith by what you do. And in the same way, show me your love by what you do. Jesus tells us that the man who losses his life will find it. To love, I truly believe is to give of yourself sacrificially for another selflessly. Could this be an idea Jesus was alluding to when He spoke those words?

time

2007-12-18T18:08:00.001-08:00

have you ever had a time were you feel drained? as if all that is in you has gone. tonight has been one of those times, even as i type this. i feel tired, cranky....i have no desire to do anything and yet i want to do something. i cant make my mind up if i should go to bed, or waste more time staring at a computer screen.

and so here i am, typing this now. i am still up, still tired. this break has been an interesting one thus far. between work, hanging with students from this summer, feeling unwelcome for the most part at certain places, and vegging at home. i have noticed something tonight as i sit here. something that is pointed out to me every time i am home and acknowledge, yet have not really accepted it till now. the fact that when i am home, i am never home. i am always going, always doing something, always with someone or going to meet them.

i complain about how busy this world is we live in, yet my life reflects it just as much as the next person. it is almost like i have this subconscious idea that if i am not busy, if i am not running around doing something all the time, something is wrong.

this bugs me. and i see its destructive power in that, as i sit here not doing anything i almost feel lonely. i think of Solomon's words in Ecclesiastes, where he says "Therefore stand in awe of God." honestly, i feel that it has been a good long time since i have done this, and that must change. not just because i need to, but because i want to. not just out of obedience, but desire.

i need to slow down. i need to take some time to really seek God. more than need, i want to. i am sick of always feeling like i need to run, feeling like if i am not doing something there is something wrong with me. i have let this ideal of society creep into my life, and i hate it. i want to seek God, and make doing so a priority yet again. John Piper has said life is but a vapor, and i believe it. why waste it running around aimlessly, trying to be happy in doing so? rather, i wish to stand in awe more.

the "one thing"

2007-12-17T22:24:00.001-08:00

there is one thing in our life that effects every other part. this is something i have come to believe in my heart, from my own personal walk and watching those of others. i believe, without a shadow of a doubt that the existence of, and the health of our relationship with Christ effects all that we do. it effects how we live our lives, how we view ourselves and others.

over the last few weeks i have had the opportunity to talk with several students about an array of topics, but they all came to this point. what does your relationship with Christ look like? is it healthy?

see, we have this way of messing things up. we get our lives, our agendas and priorities in the middle, and try to shape Christ around them. Jesus should be at the center of our lives, should be the very core of us as followers. i am convinced that when Jesus is the center of our lives, all else falls into place. not that this is a cure all, for Jesus was clear life following Him would be tough, even suck at times. but what is better than having the one who died for you, the only one who can restore communion between us and the Father, at the very core of our lives?

join me in catching ourselves, join me in switching spots. join me in giving Jesus the reigns, in putting our agendas aside and letting Him take center stage. for this is how it should be.